Two bouts of entrance counseling

I got an email a few days ago from my school:

UMN: “Hay! We received your FAFSA but you totally need to do entrance counseling for your loan. NO CRUSHING DEBT MONEY FOR YOU UNTIL YOU DO THIS!
Get on it, Snickerdoodle.
Toodles.”

So I moseyed down to the Department of Education website and completed their entrance counseling. This is the first time I’ve had to do entrance counseling, which is a series of pages that say “Hey, you really need to repay your loan or we’ll shank you!” followed by short questionnaires:

Do you need to repay all of your loans?
a) Yes.
b) No.
c) A and B
d) none of the above
e) is for elephant!

I passed with a perfect score, submitted my results, and basked in the glow of my confirmation page.

I checked my school’s financial aid page a few days later and it still said, “No money till ya do your entrance counseling, vagrant.”

So I log onto the Department of Education’s website, and it says “No records. Complete entrance counseling now!” So I call them, stay on hold “because my call is very important to them” and because I love my smooth sax muzak…

After a few disconnects finally I talk to the right person:

DOE Support: “Social?”
Me: “123-45-6789.”
DOE Support: “First and last name, date of birth, address, and length of right toe?”
Me: “Bla, blasay blabla bla!”
DOE Support: “Okay, how may I help you?”
Me: “I did my entrance counseling for my student loans, but I can’t find a record of it anywhere and my school wasn’t notified.”
DOE Support: “How long ago do you complete it?”
Me: “Three days ago.”
DOE Support: “Hm. Hold. Nope, sorry. We have no record of it. Fail, puppy, fail.”
Me: “Well, what do I do?”
DOE Support: “Go to the Department of Education website and complete your entrance counseling for you loan!”
Me: “But I already did that. That’s the whole purpose of this call.”
DOE Support: “But we have no record of it.”
Me: “…okay… but…”
DOE Support: “Listen, I’m not saying you didn’t do it, but we have no record of it. So you have to redo it, you filthy liar.”
Me: “Well, how do I know if you receive it this time?”
DOE Support: “Computer magic! Just call us again.”
Me: “Joy.”

So I went back to the website and reaffirmed to the department that I understand that the loans have to be repaid or they’ll auction off my liver.

I then immediately called the department back, listened to more hold music, and confirmed my completion of the counseling with another DOE support lady who was all, “Why the hell are you calling to confirm, freak?”

Sigh. Hopefully the tuition bill gets paid this year. We’ll see…