The leap

The mass archive import brought on a little nostalgic tinge.

Yesterday I imported the blog archives from my senior year of college and I spent most of the day absolutely mortified by how incredibly annoying I was.¹

Today I felt better after I imported the posts from my Junior, Sophomore, and Freshman years, because I noticed a pattern.

Although I barely recognize myself from freshman year, I do remember what made my freshman year so exciting: I lived in the present. I was fully aware of everything and just experienced life. I wasn’t thinking about high school, and I surely wasn’t worried about law school.

Then, as I got older, grad school grew from a vague future plan, to a small worry, to a full-out oppressive source of angst.² I somehow lived less, especially during my senior year, because I was constantly thinking about law school.

That is why I was such an annoying person during my senior year: I wasn’t really present. I was preoccupied with unproductive thoughts about law school. First it was a question of if I was going to get into UMN and if I should apply to more schools, then I was worried about where I was going to live, and if I was going to get financial aid, then it was orientation, and and and.³

That the cycle of dwelling on things has started again in law school: after my first semester I have been unknowingly distracted by my employment prospects and maintaining my rank. This created an underlying level of stress that’s completely self-defeating and counter productive. I never expected or wanted to become that guy.

The stupid thing about dwelling on things is that it takes an extra leap of self-awareness to stop.

And I’m taking that leap today.

¹ I actually texted my ex boyfriend and apologized.
² Like cancer without the insurance implications.
³ I had a similar experience during my senior year of high school, but somehow didn’t learn from it.