Some people go to church – others get mimosas.
Bottomless mimosa brunch is a time-honored gay tradition.
You pull yourself out of bed, slap on some sunglasses, and sashay to the local bar-restaurant for day drinking.
Over the years, I’ve learned that there are 5 cardinal rules for surviving a mimosa brunch.
Brunch at British Beverage Company in Dallas, Texas. They have a mimosa bar that allows you to choose your own garnishes and juices.
How to Survive Gay Brunch
Anytime brunch turns messy it means that I’ve violated one of these rules:
1. Stick with mimosas
As we learned on the wine walk, you should not mix random drinks with the bottomless special.
The first person to do shots is the first person sent home.
2. Pick one: day drinking or night drinking
If you are past the age of 25, you need to pick what type of drinking you want to do – day drinking, or night drinking.
You don’t really have the stamina to say out for more than 4 or 5 hours, nor should you want to.
A girl passed out on the patio of Lush Food Bar in Northeast Minneapolis. Too many bottomless mimosas.
3. Skip the shared appetizers
Order a personal entrée instead.
Your broke friend at the table is the first person to scarf down the supposedly “shared” appetizer, and (despite what they say) they never “get you back” later.
Also, do you really want everyone’s hands in your loaded nachos?
4. Don’t bring your dogs
The gay bar has a patio so you think bringing your dogs is a cute idea, but it really just gives the creepiest guy on the place an excuse to approach and linger.
Also, no one wants to be stuck on a hot, grossly crowded patio with a dog.
5. Don’t be afraid to stay home
Mimosa brunch is not going anywhere, so do not be afraid to stay at home.
If you are tired or actually need to get some work done, then best gift you can give yourself is avoiding brunch.
And no one ever succeeds in “going just for a little bit.”
We saw someone break the last rule recently at the Cedar Springs Tap House.
Michael and I arrive at Cedar Springs Tap House after a long (8 mile) dog walk. We sit on the patio, and there is only one other person outside – a skinny-ish guy with medical bracelets on.
We’ll call him Jack.
Jack looks like he had a rough night, and he will go on to have a very rough brunch.
A super awkward brunch at the Cedar Springs Tap House.
Jack gets cut off by 11:30 a.m.
After slurring and forgetting what table he ordered food at, our friend Jack spends the next hour asking everyone on the patio to sneak him drinks.
A couple of girls are Jack’s last victims – he keeps burping so hard that one girl uses a menu to shield herself from his puke.
That girl eventually comes to our table under the pretense of petting our dogs (we broke rule #4) and confesses that she is scared to go back to rescue her friend.
Jack excuses himself to the restroom, and the girls quickly grab their checks and bolt out of the restaurant. Fortunately, the manager eventually confiscates Jack’s phone and car keys, and then throws him into an Uber.
Although Jack was entertaining, the best performance we’ve seen in Dallas so far is still Quesa MX Street Food on Easter – a guy was laying on the patio in a pool of his own vomit.
We’ve all had our brunch mishaps, but let’s pray none of us ever end up like that.
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