Life Archives - Page 39 of 52

The Grabby Professor

December 26, 2009

One of the challenges of being a relatively-young guy at a club¹ is fending off unwanted advances while not appearing conceited or condescending.

So I’m at the bar and a Music Professor approaches me. The Professor is tipsy, but friendly. We talk. After a half hour of conversation the Professor asks for a hug.

Professor: “Can I have a hug?”
Me: “Uh, why?”
Professor: “I just want a hug.”
Me: “I’m not a touchy-feely person. Swine flu and all that…”
Professor: “How about a back rub?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Professor: “How about I give you a back rub?”
Me: “Um, No. I’m a law student. I feel better with the tension in my shoulders. Keeps me in fighting mode. Hiyah!”
Professor: “What about a hug?”

Ugh.

So this continues, but we eventually slip back into normal conversation with intermittent hug-pleas, but then:

Professor: “You’re very attractive.”
Me: “Thanks. But that doesn’t make me worth talking to.”
Professor: “But you’re also a law student.”
Me: “Again, another reason why I’m not a good person to talk to. We are a breed of ogre…”
Professor: “But one of my favorite movies is The Paper Chase!”
Me: “I know, you’ve mentioned this.”
Professor: “Go to my facebook page! You will see that I like the Paper Chase!”
Me: “Oh, I believe you.”
Professor: “Can I get a hug?”

The entire time this is happening, Jack and his clique are standing 5 feet from us, POINTING AND LAUGHING! The Professor is facing me so he can’t see the audience of ridicule.

The Professor eventually dived in for a hug and I gave Jack a frantic “GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW” wave.

Jack let me panic for a moment and then responded to my dark threats and rescued me.
Jack slid into the spot next to me. I gasped as if Santa had just arrived and then turned away from the Professor to latch onto Jack like a life raft on the titanic.
It took the Professor about 5 minutes of solid cold shoulder to get the clue, but he eventually left.

Me: “Oh my god. Thank you so much!”
Jack: “Your problem is that you are too nice.”

Hmmf. Maybe.

After a subsequent run-in with the Professor I decided to leave the Eagle and went to the Saloon. There was a little bit of drama at the Saloon – actually, there was a lot of drama. At one point there was a guy decked out on the floor because someone smashed a beer bottle of his head.

At one point there was a guy decked out on the floor because someone smashed a beer bottle of his head, proving once again that Minnesotans are not always nice.

I also spent some time ignorning Mittens.²

Mittens (and his female sidekick, Mittenette) always shoot unsolicited bitchy looks at Phillip and I. But a pair of contacts and a haircut later, Mittens suddenly wanted to talk to me.

Pfft.

¹ Talking 21+ bars here.
² We call him Mittens because he always wears ridiculous half-gloves like an extra in a Lady Gaga video.

2L Winter / dogs

Harley’s frolic

December 24, 2009

These are the rest of the pictures from Harley’s pre-finals frolic in the snow.

dogs / picture of the day

Re: Drool on my Conflicts book

December 21, 2009

“What? This isn’t a pillow for me?”

2L Fall Finals / Joel

Getting it done

December 21, 2009

It is 8pm. My Conflicts exam is in 12 hours. I feel tired, cranky, and ridiculous.

I haven’t seen my boyfriend in two weeks. He said he was going to come over tonight, but watched a movie with his roommate instead. These are busy times – they live together and haven’t seen each other in a week.

The cream in my coffee tastes off. I look at the “use by” date and it says November 15th. It is December 20th. Epic fail.

Then the dog farts. It smells like rotten mouse.

So I am sitting there – tired, lonely, with undrinkable coffee and unbreathable air. This is not going to work.

I take the dog on a walk. It isn’t so terribly cold, and the air is breathable.

When I come back to the apartment the air is safe again. I dump the coffee and creamer., and pour a fresh cup.

I then sit down, retool the outline, and get it done. 2 more exams and I’m done!

dogs

The state of things

December 18, 2009

So he’s pouting. He needs to go out, but doesn’t understand what a hassle putting on the long-john’s is.

This is why he makes a point of lingering once we do get outside. He doesn’t really need to sniff each pole, but he wants to see me shiver. This is the state of things…

dogs

Time for mouse traps.

December 16, 2009

It is 9pm. My Real Estate law exam is in 11 hours, and I am shoving hydrogen peroxide down my dog’s throat.

A few minutes after I let him out of the kennel I noticed he was chomping on something blue – a TomCat Poison mouse block!

I flip out, yank the rest of the poison from his mouth, and then call the vet. The vet told me to bring the dog to the pet hospital right away or induce vomiting with hydrogen peroxide.
I did not want to be at the animal hospital all night on the eve of an exam. I tried studying in the ER last semester, and it didn’t go well. So I ran to CVS, got a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, and then shoved a table spoon into my very-confused dog’s throat.
I then got the idea to call the poison control number on the TomCat box.

The poison control operator took my information and said that I shouldn’t worry because my dog needed to eat 37 blocks to have problems.

Me: “37 blocks? Then how effective is it on mice?”
Poison control: “Oh, it’s a slow poison. They eat the block over the course of a few days and the anticoagulant causes massive internal bleeding. So if you dog has multiple exposures, then I would worry, but I wouldn’t worry about massive bleeding from a single block.”
Me: “…lovely.”

The fishy thing about Harley eating the block is that I placed the blocks in the kitchen cabinets, but Harley ate the block in the living room. He’s kenneled when I’m gone, so there is way for him to get to the blocks inside of the cabinets…

I think the mice are trying to kill my dog. It’s time to buy some traps. I declare war! …now back to Real Estate law…

dogs / the details

A big dog during winter

December 16, 2009

The nice part about having a big dog during winter is that he doesn’t get cold and pissy like the smaller dogs.

The annoying part about having a big dog during winter is that he doesn’t get cold and pissy like the smaller dogs so the dog walk isn’t shorter just because the wind chill is -20.

dogs / Take Three

Harley on Tax Law

December 11, 2009

I start reviewing my tax law notes out loud and Harley reacts like any non-law student:

2L Fall Finals / dogs / Thomson Reuters

Snowstorm

December 9, 2009

NPR said that the snow storm would worsen Wednesday. They used the term “blinding snow” so I figured that I had to go into work yesterday afternoon to avoid the impending whiteout.

I rethought the wisdom of going to work while crossing the Mendota bridge. The snow clung to my windshield and a semi-truck tailgated me Jeepers Creepers-style. I was surely going to die there on that bridge. Who was going to walk Harley?

I made it to work alive and worked for 10 hours.

I considered leaving around 7pm because the building felt abandoned and the snow had picked up – I felt like the lone beachgoer who didn’t get the memo about the typhoon.

After a gchat consultation with a classmate, I decided to stick it out until midnight, and I am glad that I did.

I was shocked by how bright it was outside of the office. A team of caterpillar plow trucks had cleared a pathway to my car, and one of the drivers lit up my car as I defrosted and scraped the windows.

The roads in Eagan were semi-plowed, and the speeding drivers of the afternoon had vanished to the ER.

I made it home before 1am. The next task was walking the much-neglected dog. I put on my gear: snowboots, face mask, 2 pairs of long johns, gloves… and then took Harley outside looking like a Chechen sniper.

Unlike the bitching I got earlier this semester, the dog LOVED the deep snow! He was so excited that I had to take him off the leash because he kept dragging me through the snow as if he was on an audition to become Santa’s next reindeer.

I took Harley to the park this morning so he could continue his frolicking. Pictures are here.

dogs / Take Three

Harley meets snow

December 9, 2009

dogs / pictures

The Roar

December 7, 2009

Aside from the panting and farting, Harley is a very quiet dog.

So I was very surprised when we ran into a large, yippie dog during the morning walk.

We were by a busy street, but the other dog was off leash and the owner was wearing flipflops, in the snow.

The yippie dog and Harley did the obligatory sniff down.
Harley was over the dog after a few minutes and wanted to move on, but the dog kept bouncing around him. We couldn’t go because the dog blocked Harley’s path, wanting to play. The owner, in his flipflop-ness, was too cold to move from the side of the road, and yippie was not listening to him.
Suddenly Harley ROARED! It was the dog equivalent of an exasperated scream. The message was very clear: BACK UP OFF ME!

He has never done that before so I was shocked and terribly, terribly amused.

The other dog was freaked out, his owner was visibly worried, and I was choking with laughter.

My dog is awesome.

2L Fall Finals / Joel / Law School

Small victories & the Hunchback

December 5, 2009

I spent most of the day with the tax outline.

Finals preparation comes with a sense of accomplishment that is absent from everyday class reading. I love the periodic realization that a topic confusing in class suddenly makes sense! It’s like:

My tax preparation is an advent calendar of these small victories.¹

I spent the majority of the semester lost and overwhelmed with information and expected not to remember anything from the beginning of the semester. But it turns out that the topics built on each other, so the early material was ingrained in me throughout the semester. Glensaw Glass, Old Colony Trust, Hickman, … I get it, I think. Maybe. We’ll see…

I also spent some time at work today. During a break, I had a phone conversation with the boyfriend. I think he understands that the next 17 days determine my grades for the semester and that I’ll shower when it’s over.²

But until then, I am in that unapologetic, self-involved, hermit mode called “law student during finals.”

The boyfriend claims to understand and says he’s supportive, but I suspect he’s thinking: “Crap. I’m dating a hunchback.”

That’s actually a reference to Transylmania, a slapstick horror comedy we saw last night. The movie has a huge cast of characters, including a hot Romanian girl who seduces a guy online, but neglects to tell him about her hideous, veiny, hunchback.

That sums up the situation.

The neglect has an end date (Dec. 22nd!) and I’m sure everything’s gonna be alright.

dogs / Take Three

Harley on Conlaw

December 4, 2009

Harley’s face sums up his feelings about Conlaw:

humor / overheard

Amber’s fashion sense

December 3, 2009

Woman working at desk, by Bench Accounting via Unsplash

Amber does not appreciate the fashion sense of one of her classmates, Zeb.

Zeb is a 2L at Amber’s law school and is about my weight – not obese, but too big to wear skinny pants and man leggings.

Amber: “So I’ve seen his ridiculous snow boots and I’ve seen the skinny pants. But what amazes me is that I’ve never seen Zeb repeat an outfit! So he has a huge closet full of clothes and EVERY SINGLE PIECE is ill-fitting and inappropriate.”

See also:

Life

Chucking the Pizza

December 3, 2009

2 large pizzas for $20. It was a great deal.

At 2 slices per meal, that meant I was buying ten, easily microwavable $2 meals. Holler! …or not – I have never felt sicker in the past few days.

This week of unpleasantness started on Monday, when I bought a McFlurry. I have been drinking lactose free milk because it keeps longer, and I don’t know if one loses lactose tolerance or what is going on…but that McFlurry did not sit well.

So, fresh off my McFlurry queasiness, I decide to order these pizzas, and it was like going from Afghanistan to Iraq.

In addition to my minimal lactose intake, I also have a small wheat intake. I have not bought breads, chips, crackers, or cereal lately because I find that these turn me into a compulsive eater – where’d those Pringles go? So I don’t know if it’s the lack grease and wheat in my diet or just plain old nasty Pizza Hut…but the pizza is a disaster and needs to go.

That pizza has put me through such hell that I would burn it in the parking lot if there was any way to convince the cops that I wasn’t a law student who snapped. I am also not giving the pizza to Harley, because I guarantee I’ll have to clean up the aftermath in the kennel tomorrow.

So I am chucking the pizza, and officially avoiding lactose and wheat.

2L Fall / dogs / Life

Around the Isles

December 1, 2009

I was exhausted after school today, so Harley and I took a nap after the afternoon walk.

I woke up to snoring around 7:30pm. I forgot that Harley was the one sleeping next to me, so when I turned to tell Joel that he was snoring too loudly, I was greeted by a smiling bullmastiff mug, which promptly blew snot all over my face. Bleh.

Harley and I walked around Lake of the Isles tonight.

Some of the mansions around the lake have gaudy holiday displays that have beautiful reflections on the lake. The walk was unusual because it was cloudless and oddly quiet due to the lack of screaming children and intense middle-aged runners. The lake surface was still except for when we were approached by a flock of shadowed geese that glided towards us like a little army of Loch ness monsters.

Harley saw the geese and did his imposing, big-dog “Imma eat all y’all” stance.

The geese said “nevermind” and floated back into the darkness.

After the walk, I sat down and finished the reading for tomorrow. I always do my tax law reading first. Tax is typically the longest and most difficult assignment I have – and it makes all of the other assignments read like James Patterson novels minus the dramatic cliffhangers.

Tomorrow’s lunch period needs to be ultra productive because I am going to try to make it to Trivia night in St. Paul. Our team is called “Beauty and the Beasts” and we came in second place last week despite only having three people:

We’ll see how we do tomorrow.

dogs / the details / video

Squirrel expletives

November 30, 2009

There is nothing unusual about my dog chasing a squirrel up a tree, but this squirrel didn’t see Harley until he was about 2 feet away and flipped-the-heck-out.

The squirrel darted up the tree and glared. Harley just stared up at it like, “is it that serious?”

The squirrel then began making this weird bird-like noise:

Probably squirrel expletives.

Harley listens better when he’s not leashed – I’ve called him off squirrels and cats.

The one big problem we have is geese. Everytime I walk Harley around Calhoun I have to pull the leash with both hands to keep him off the geese.

I think it’s because they are big, loud, and don’t go away – they just loom around like “I’m here! Try me! I taste like chicken!”

dogs / Uptown Apartment

Glass, bleach, and the mouse

November 29, 2009

Harley was excited to see me after work today. I let him out of the kennel and his tail launched a candle from a coffee table. Glass shards rained over the living room, and I was unamused.

I re-kenneled the dog and cleaned up the mess. I then let Harley out and he followed me to kitchen, to throw away the shards.

Harley’s tail caused more chaos in the kitchen when he knocked over a bottle of bleach. I shoved the dog out the kitchen and tried to control the chlorox typhoon. I stripped my clothes¹ and cleaned the mess wearing boxers and white flipflops.

I mopped the kitchen and then decided to clean the cabinet under the sink. I first removed the 40lb bag of dog food, not noticing the little hole nibbled in the corner, and then reached for a blue IKEA bag.² I lifted the bag AND A MOUSE FLEW OUT OF IT!

I screamed, then roared. The mouse landed in the corner and somersaulted behind the stove.

I was livid. This mouse was going down and it was on like donkey kong!

What was followed was 30 minutes of me attempting to trap the mouse while not slipping on the bleach-soaked floor… all in boxers and flipflops. All that was missing was the Tom and Jerry sound effects.

I eventually gave up, but luckily, I bought poison mouse food blocks on tonight’s Wal-Mart trip. Anything remotely edible in my kitchen is now in a glass or plastic container. The poison is out. This mouse is going down. I just hope I don’t have to smell rotting mouse in the morning…

¹ I have too many bleach spots on clothes not to do this.
² The supposedly green bags… the only problem is I NEVER remember to bring the bag and end up buying a new one every trip…

dogs / Take Three

Pout

November 26, 2009

Harley practicing his pout:

Life / Minneapolis-St. Paul

The trash bin calls

November 25, 2009

Further evidence as to why I don’t text and drive – on the way to work today I almost smacked into an industrial sized trash bin that was rolling middle of the highway. It was on the top oart of a hill like an obstruction in Mario Kart.

I did a quick gasp/swerve combo and the person tailgating me did the same.

I then called 311 and got my daily dose of government inefficiency:

311 operator: “Minneapolis 311. How can we help?”
Me: “I’m driving eastbound on highway 62 and almost hit an industrial trash can rolling in the middle of the road. Could you send someone to remove it?”
311 operator: “You’ll have to call 911 for that and tell them to remove it.”
Me: “Okay.”

So I called 911.

911 operator: “911.”
Me: “Uh, hi. I was driving down eastbound highway 62 and almost hit an industrial trash can rolling in the middle of the road. Could you send someone to remove it?”
911 operator: “You’ll have to call highway patrol for that and tell them to remove it.”
Me: “Okay.”

So I was transferred to highway patrol, and about 10 miles away from the trash bin at this point.

Highway Patrol dispatcher: “Highway Patrol.”
Me: “Uh, hi. I was –“
911 operator (cutting in): “Yes we have an obstruction on highway 62 eastbound near 32nd Avenue.”
Me: “Huh?”
Highway Patrol dispatcher: “Before the overpass?”
Me (Wondering if I should be part of this convo): “Well, uh –”
911 operator: “Yes.”
Highway Patrol dispatcher: “What’s going on?”
Me: “Uh, I was driving down eastbound highway 62 and almost hit an industrial trash can rolling in the middle of the road.”
Highway Patrol dispatcher: “We’ll send someone right out!”
Me: “Thanks…”

Life

One of the challenges of being a relatively-young guy at a club1 is fending off unwanted advances while not appearing conceited or condescending.

It is 9pm. My Real Estate law exam is in 11 hours, and I am shoving hydrogen peroxide down my dog’s throat.

Aside from the panting and farting, Harley is a very quiet dog.

One of the challenges of being a relatively-young guy at a club¹ is fending off unwanted advances while not appearing conceited or condescending.