Minneapolis is consistently ranked as one of the gayest cities in the U.S. and yet I am perpetually single.
These types of guys are why:
1. The Bedingfield
This guy is over-enthusiastic to the brink of stalkerdom, “Hi! Nice to meet you. I love your eyes! We should totally get married. What’s your name again?”
2. The E-Baller
He fills up your Facebook inbox but acts completely bored when you hang out.
Am I talking to your assistant online?
3. The Fair-Weather
He’s in love, as long as you are in front of him.
This guy is completely enamored in-person but takes a week to respond to a Facebook or text message.
He might need to borrow the E-Baller’s secretary.
4. The Faux-Friend
Your jealous boyfriend…who isn’t your boyfriend.
This is the guy who claims he wants friendship but what he really wants is Ken – the boyfriend without the sex.
The faux-friend wants to take you to the movies, the gym and the bar.
He might even text you and call to ask how your day was. But beware, the second you look at another guy, sirens turn on and he rings the alarm.
The faux-friend will not actually date you, but he is perfectly happy to cause unnecessary drama as he glares down his perceived competition at the bar like a hyena in heat.
Avoid at all costs.
5. The Poltergeist
The Poltergeist is similar to the Fair-Weather, but way more irritating.
This is the guy who disappears after an amazing date and then reincarnates as a ghost rapping at your online-door.
The poltergeist will “like” a Facebook update, or shoot a text once every few weeks along the lines of “Hey we should hang out!” only to disappear again… these guys are like reoccurring outbreaks of H1N1, and it’s time to be vaccinated.
6. Toast
Toast is the perfectly nice but utterly boring guy who always forces you to exchange pleasantries online. You have a brief conversation about your day (or the weather) that fizzles quickly. But don’t worry, you’ll have the same exact conversation a few days later.
Toast is way too shy to ask you out , and way too boring to be asked out…so you are stuck repeating these pointless conversations because there’s no polite way to say “Yo Toast, I don’t give a shit how you are doing today.”
7. The Rash
This guy is like catching poison ivy. He will stalk you and message you on every dating site and app.
The Rash won’t go away until you go to Walgreen’s and buy some anti-itch creme.
Ignoring him is best tactic. Responding will only encourage him to make a fake profile just to keep bothering you. (Yes, this happens.)
And don’t worry about running into the Rash at the bar. Like the E-Baller, these guys have social anxiety problems and scurry like roaches when you glare at them in a social setting.
8. The Vamp
This is the sluttacious guy who is just waiting to share his love bumps. “Hi, how are you? My name is John. Want to be the guest star of my septic tank of desire?”
Um, no.
And don’t for the Vamp no matter how drunk and lonely you are.
This is the type of guy who sleeps his way through entire groups of friends and makes things awkward for everyone in the future.
9. The Extra
He’s cute! You chatted him up on a dating site or at a bar, became Facebook friends, and promptly stopped talking to each other.
So of course you run into him all the time now.
He is at the grocery store, club, and the lake. You smile politely, wave, and continue ignoring each other.
And the weird thing about The Extra is that you would probably get along with him enough to become real-friends, and yet nothing ever happens.
It’s the almost-missed connection that keeps repeating itself.
As you can see, this is a very busy circus. Tickets available at Ticketmaster or at your local Pump’N’Munch gas station.
13 Comments
Gary
April 24, 2011 at 3:30 pmSo, which one are you?
(I’m kidding.)
Jansen
April 24, 2011 at 7:56 pmTotally an Extra.
gaygarin
April 30, 2011 at 4:07 pmThis list of characters is really funny 🙂
Jansen
May 1, 2011 at 7:53 pmBuhaha thank you!
Scene de Ville
May 11, 2011 at 12:02 pmLOL I am a Poltergeist Extra
Taylor
June 20, 2011 at 10:43 pmAwesome. Great list. 😀
Daniel
June 27, 2011 at 1:03 pmYes, this list is hilarious!!! Great job, Dennis!
Jansen
June 27, 2011 at 3:09 pmBuhaha, thanks!
Amanda
March 30, 2012 at 3:57 pmLove this! It reads like a story of my dating life, too. (The Faux-Friend is the bane of my existence. Seriously.)
Jansen
April 9, 2012 at 9:32 amUgh. We need a spray or something against faux-friends.
Rose
March 30, 2012 at 6:30 pmLove it. Also love the discussion we have had about it.
Jansen
April 9, 2012 at 9:31 amBuhaha! Thank you!
Ironic hipster mustache
May 11, 2015 at 8:25 am[…] The video of Minneapolis gays is also pretty accurate. Although you have lurid digs and raunch in every city, Minneapolis gays tend to be more in the yuppie vein, despite their dating inadequacies. […]