Day of the Crazies

I felt like a certain Ms. Someone yesterday because the Crazies were out in full force.

1. Rocker-Clepto Crazy

I sat at the B&N Café downtown at the window-counter. To my left was a tall redheaded punk boy with tattoos and an overbite.

To Punkboy’s left is an Arden B girl: a petite, no-nonsense Brunette who is refined in an unfriendly (but not quite bitchy) way. She’s hunched over her laptop with a grimace on her face.

Punkboy leans over to Ms. Arden and asks to use her phone,
Punkboy: I really really need to call my girlfriend. I can’t use my phone because I don’t have any minutes. It will be really short I promise.

Ms. Arden squirms a bit like “gasp why are you talking to me?!” She then says ‘sure’ and hands over the phone.
Punkboy (on Ms. Arden’s phone): Hey Jamie, it’s me. I’ve been waiting for you at the downtown Barnes and Noble for two hours now. I really really wish you’d pick up your phone baby. I’m going to be here until 4 and then I’m heading over to Rob’s house. I have all your stuff here, your bag, your bike. Why won’t you pick up the phone? If you’re not here by four you can find it over at Rob’s house. I really wish you’d pick up the phone. I hope you’re safe.

Punkboy leaves this whiny message as loudly as possible. I exchange “wtf” looks with Ms. Arden and a pretty Somali woman with an elaborate headscarf at a table behind us. The Somali shoots Punkboy one of the nastiest looks I’ve ever seen.

Punkboy gives the phone back to Ms. Arden and thanks her profusely.
Ms. Arden: No problem.
Punkboy: I really really appreciate it.
Ms. Arden (avoiding eye contact): Okay, seriously, no problem.
Punkboy: It’s just that she’s a Clepto, and I’m never sure if she’s been arrested or not. That’s why I don’t go shopping with her it’s like, “What did you take now?”
Ms. Arden (still staring at her laptop yet completely annoyed): Well, good luck with that.

About 40 minutes later I see this ratty looking girl outside. She looks like a dirty, black-haired version of Robyn. She’s weirdly hunched like she’s cold or violated. She just wanders near the Café window looking over her shoulder (either for a coat or her attacker I guess).

Punkboy looks up, sees Cracked-Robyn and shouts, “TENTH!”

He then jumps up, almost knocking over his chair, and runs outside. Ms. Arden, the Somali and I are all wide eyed / what the hell?

We watch Punkboy run outside and grab Cracky-Robyn by the arm. He hugs her and kisses her. Ms. Arden, the Somali, and I exchange a look. Que Crazy.

Punkboy and Cracky-Robyn come in, gather all their crap and leave. Thank goodness. I returned to Underworld with my phones in.

A few minutes pass and then this stocky short guy sits next to me. He’s middle aged and wears a camouflage cap. He has several of those current-event “administration/political expose books.”

Whcih brings us to #2 – Camouflage Crazy

Since it was the day of the Crazies, of course Camouflage starts talking to me. At first I’m confused because I have my headphones in. I always thought headphones and a book at a café sent a very clear “fuck you & yours/don’t bother me” message.

Camouflage starts telling me about Cheney’s cover up involving WMDs and the Iraq war. There are secret contracts and conspiracies. He goes into detail.

The whole time I stare at him blankly like, “why are you talking to me? Why why why sweet baby Jesus!?”

Camouflage goes on for about ten minutes. And then finally shuts up.

#3 Gaunt the Enquirer Crazy

Later that day I was at the Purple Onion Café, my local hangout. I had headpones on, listening to Rautemusik and attempting to catch up on my favorite blawgs. This gaunt African man (with too many bags) walks in and sits at a table near me. I smile briefly and then look back at the laptop.

A few minutes pass and he asks,
Gaunt-guy: So what are you working on?
Me (taking off an earphone): Pardon me?
Gaunt-guy: what are you working on?
Me: Nothing. I’m reading legal blogs.
Gaunt-guy: What?
Me: Uh, I’m looking at websites.
Gaunt-guy: Oh.

I put my phones back in. Bothered. Crazy #3 at my favorite Cafe. NOOO.
Gaunt-guy: Are you a student at the University of Minnesota?
Me (again, taking off an earphone): What?
Gaunt-guy: Are you a student at the University?
Me: Erm, Yes.
Gaunt-guy: What do you study?
Me: Law.
Gaunt-guy: Very Good.
Me: Do you teach at the University?
Gaunt-guy: No, I wish.

Gaunt-guy goes back to his book and I put my earphone back in, legitimately worried that I just gave too much information to a serial killer.
Gaunt-guy: Where did you go for undergrad?
Me: University of Miami.
Gaunt-guy: What did you study?
Me: History and English.
Gaunt-guy: Ah, so you’re a good writer?
Me: I hope so.
Gaunt-guy: Well, it looks like you have a good background. English and History. Yes. Good background indeed.

Gaunt guy continues reading in his book, and waits for me to put my headphones back in before talking again.
Gaunt-guy: Are you from this country?
Me (wondering why I’m telling him as I’m telling him): No, Germany.
Gaunt-guy: Ah, I’m reading a German philosopher right now. Have you heard of him?
Me: No, sorry.

This line of questioning continued for a bit. It became extremely annoying. I felt like the crew of MTV’s Boiling Points would jump out at any moment. They never did. I eventually got frustrated so I called the first friend in my phone, packed up the laptop, and left.