Faux-Friends and Poltergeists

Oh everything is absolutely fabulous and I will write shortly.

I have the same problem that Truman Capote and Oscar Wilde had: it is hard to both live life (while being present) and write about the life you’re living.

But I am here to make a quick addition to my list of the types guys that I date. To review, so far we have:

1. Bedingfields: Over-enthusiastic, “Hi! Nice to meet you. I love your eyes! We should totally get married. What’s your name again? ”
2. E-Ballers: Fills up my facebook and text inbox, but acts completely bored when we hang out. Am I talking to your secretary online?
3. Fair-Weathers: Completely enraptured in-person but takes a week to respond to a facebook or text message. Might need to borrow the E-Baller’s secretary.

The new categories are: the faux-friend and the poltergeist.

4. The faux-friend: Your jealous boyfriend…who isn’t your boyfriend. This is the guy who claims he wants friendship but what he really wants is Ken – the boyfriend without the sex. The faux-friend wants to go to movies, the gym, the bar, texts, and calls, but the second you look at another guy, sirens turn on and he rings the alarm:

The faux-friend will not date you, but he is perfectly happy to cause unnecessary drama as he glares down his perceived competition at the bar like a hyena in heat. Avoid at all costs.

And the 5th type of guy is the Poltergeist. The Poltergeist is similar to the fair-weather guy, only more irritating. This is the guy who disappears after an amazing date and then reincarnates as a ghost rapping at your online-door.

The poltergeist will “like” a facebook update, or shoot a text once every few weeks along the lines of “Hey we should hang out!” only to disappear again… these guys are like reoccurring outbreaks of H1N1, and it’s time to be vaccinated.

I currently have a healthy mix of Bedingfields, E-Ballers, Fair-Weathers, Faux-Friends, and Poltergeists…as well as a few guys to defy categorization. What is a boy to do?