The Grabby Professor

One of the challenges of being a relatively-young guy at a club¹ is fending off unwanted advances while not appearing conceited or condescending.

So I’m at the bar and a Music Professor approaches me. The Professor is tipsy, but friendly. We talk. After a half hour of conversation the Professor asks for a hug.

Professor: “Can I have a hug?”
Me: “Uh, why?”
Professor: “I just want a hug.”
Me: “I’m not a touchy-feely person. Swine flu and all that…”
Professor: “How about a back rub?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Professor: “How about I give you a back rub?”
Me: “Um, No. I’m a law student. I feel better with the tension in my shoulders. Keeps me in fighting mode. Hiyah!”
Professor: “What about a hug?”

Ugh.

So this continues, but we eventually slip back into normal conversation with intermittent hug-pleas, but then:

Professor: “You’re very attractive.”
Me: “Thanks. But that doesn’t make me worth talking to.”
Professor: “But you’re also a law student.”
Me: “Again, another reason why I’m not a good person to talk to. We are a breed of ogre…”
Professor: “But one of my favorite movies is The Paper Chase!”
Me: “I know, you’ve mentioned this.”
Professor: “Go to my facebook page! You will see that I like the Paper Chase!”
Me: “Oh, I believe you.”
Professor: “Can I get a hug?”

The entire time this is happening, Jack and his clique are standing 5 feet from us, POINTING AND LAUGHING! The Professor is facing me so he can’t see the audience of ridicule.

The Professor eventually dived in for a hug and I gave Jack a frantic “GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW” wave.

Jack let me panic for a moment and then responded to my dark threats and rescued me.
Jack slid into the spot next to me. I gasped as if Santa had just arrived and then turned away from the Professor to latch onto Jack like a life raft on the titanic.
It took the Professor about 5 minutes of solid cold shoulder to get the clue, but he eventually left.

Me: “Oh my god. Thank you so much!”
Jack: “Your problem is that you are too nice.”

Hmmf. Maybe.

After a subsequent run-in with the Professor I decided to leave the Eagle and went to the Saloon. There was a little bit of drama at the Saloon – actually, there was a lot of drama. At one point there was a guy decked out on the floor because someone smashed a beer bottle of his head.

At one point there was a guy decked out on the floor because someone smashed a beer bottle of his head, proving once again that Minnesotans are not always nice.

I also spent some time ignorning Mittens.²

Mittens (and his female sidekick, Mittenette) always shoot unsolicited bitchy looks at Phillip and I. But a pair of contacts and a haircut later, Mittens suddenly wanted to talk to me.

Pfft.

¹ Talking 21+ bars here.
² We call him Mittens because he always wears ridiculous half-gloves like an extra in a Lady Gaga video.