Best Summer Ever Week 10: Shit.

So I knew things were out of hand when Harley looked at me, hunched over, and spewed diarrhea all over my living room.

This was the week of shit. The dogs kept breaking into my 3-tiered plastic food shelf, gorging themselves, and then crapping everywhere.

I would come home to find a chocolate rendition of the Bavarian Alps in my living room, and the dogs passed out in the kitchen. The dogs also figured out how to open the toilet lid and drink the blue-water, so they had the runs most of the time.

The steamer and cleaning spray barely kept up. I spent most of my week flustered and disgusted. Ick.

And although I finished moving to the new apartment last week, I had yet to clean out my old apartment because I thought that I had until August 1st to move out.

So I was horrified when my landlord left me a voicemail: “I showed your apartment today. It’s trashed. I’m also showing it tomorrow. Can you clean it, you filthy slob of a man?”

As a rule, any unexpected entrances into my apartment happen on the ONE day that it is trashed, so I should have expected that call.

I ran upstairs and cleaned my old apartment. It took about three hours. The old apartment looked absolutely crazy because all of my random trash and non-essential stuff was strewn about – dog hair, papers, old plant pots…

And of course the fridge had nothing left in it besides beer, condiments, and foul asparagus. The freezer had vodka and a turkey. My fridge in my new apartment looks like I robbed the farmer’s market: fruits, veggies, lactose-free milk, organic cold cuts, etc. But the remnants in my old fridge looked like Maury’s playing in the double-wide. Fail.

The bedroom had even more dog hair. Underbritches in the middle of the floor… What a lurid dig…

And to think that the landlord showed a prospective tenant that room! My landlord probably thinks I’m some sort dirty hillbilly prostitute and a complete caretaker fail. Ugh.
The apartment is clean now. My standing with the landlord? Eh. Probably irreparable. We’ll see if I get an eviction notice tomorrow. I really want to take him to my new apartment and prove that I’m not a slob, and that my apartment is actually cute and sanitary despite the occasional shit puddle…
Besides leaving a filthy apartment for unwary tenants and cleaning up dog shit, I spent the week fielding phone calls from crazies, changing my work schedule for apartment showings that never materialized, and finishing my Physical Evidence class.

The last class was pretty amazing because Cristina, (one of my classmates who is awesome) brought a sandwich bar for her presentation. Another student brought booze. I think booze should be a requirement for any student presentation over 10 minutes. It was glorious and put me in a good mood until about 20 minutes after class when I had to shovel shit from my living room.

Hopefully this coming week will involve less fecal matter.