October 2009 - Memos and Mirth

Law school is about free food

October 30, 2009

The law school can sense when I am cranky. I was sitting in the law school cafeteria when got an instant message from Jack. He was in class, and another chair had just collapsed.

Fail.

I was going to write a post about the ridiculous spending patterns at the law school: we have a student lounge with a flat screen TV, pool table, and video game machines, but our classrooms smell¹, the seats collapse, and the temperature control is underwhelming. A can of febreeze would do far more good than a pinball machine.

So, I started writing my cranky post when the administrator in charge of orientation² came by my table and gave me a handwritten thank you note and Take 5 candy bar for serving as an orientation leader.

Then, on my way to class, the Lexis representative had a spread of (good) candy and muffins. She was busy and tired, so I didn’t even have to talk to her to get the food…although I did tell her how much I loved Best Authority.
Muffin and candy bar in hand, law school was suddenly awesome. Who cares that that the class rooms smell like snot? They feed me!
I walk into my Conflicts class full of sugary goodwill and see Jill:

Me: “The Lexis lady has free muffins and candy bars!”
Jill: “WHAT?”
Me: “Free food! The Lexis lady is giving out muffins and candy. And you don’t even have to talk to her. It’s amazing.”
Jill: “You mean she’s giving away muffins ON THE DAY OF THE WLSA BREAST CANCER BAKE SALE?! That bitch!”
Me: “I was just trying to spread the good word…”

Jill stifles a scream then storms out of the room.

Woops.

¹ I suspect they don’t shampoo the carpet.
² Aka, the “go to” lady who everyone loves.

2L Fall / humor / Law School / on the record

Sarah gets sick

October 30, 2009

Sarah sits two rows behind me in my Conflicts of Law class.

The seating situation of the classroom is important to explain the hot messitude, so here is a diagram:

The blue rectangles are the tables. The seating is tiered.

I sit in seat A.
Sarah is in seat B.
Brenda is in seat C, and Bill is in seat D.
Jill is in seat E.

Because Sarah sits almost directly behind me, I cannot see her unless I fully turn around. I can easily see Bill and Brenda if I turn to the side. I can see Jill without turning.
So throughout Conflicts yesterday I kept hearing this nasty, mucusy coughing. It was the type of wet coughing that makes everyone who hears it visualize the gunk and puss sloshing around in the cougher’s throat.
Gross. I know.

The coughing was interrupted by that nasty “sucking my snot in” sound.

After a while it became distracting, so I turned slightly and looked at Bill and Brenda. Both looked horrified.

The second time I turned around, both Bill and Brenda had their faces covered with their jackets. Maybe someone farted?

The entire time I see Jill’s face becoming more and more distorted. She’s watching a train wreck.
I turn again and see that Brenda moved to the back row! Bill is shielding his face with his coat. Jill is beside herself.
I finally do an almost-discrete-but-not-quite turn and see the cause of the commotion: Sarah is disgustingly sick. Snot is streaming all over her face, and she was snorting, sniffing, and coughing away. H1N1 was flying around the room like dust particles from an old pillow. We were all going to catch the plague, and die, and miss our finals.

After class Jill exchanges a frantic look with me and mouths: “THAT IS SO GROSS!”

In the hallway Jill explained:

Jill: “Oh my god, Sarah is so disgusting! She was wiping her snot with her FINGERS! WITH HER FINGERS!! Why would you come to school like that?”
Me: “Well, maybe she had an allergy attack or something… and Conflicts is sort of a hard class to miss.”
Jill: “That’s just unacceptable. Fail.”

Just then, Sarah comes out of the classroom. Jill yelps and practically jumps across the hall, almost knocking over some 1Ls in the process. I expected her to point and scream “PLAGUE!!! PLAGUE!!! SHE BE SPREADING THE PLAGUE!! BURN THE WITCH!”

We’ll see if Sarah shows up today.

And yes, I am bringing a baggie of Kleenex and a mini-hand-sanitizer bottle as a gift for Sarah just in case today’s class is a repeat of yesterday’s hot messitude.

Law School / legal humor / on the record

Sorry, what?

October 29, 2009

It’s flu season…even in Conlaw:

Professor L: “So Jill, what was the compelling interested claimed by the school board?”
(Jack coughs)
Jill: “Well the school board argued that…”
(Jack coughs louder)
Jill: “…and then said that…”
(Jack coughs)
Jill: “…but the court didn’t buy it.
Professor L: “Sorry Jill, I missed that because someone was coughing. Repeat!”
Jack (mouthing): “SORRY!”

OTR: Sports overload & mass confusion

October 29, 2009

My tax professor has his priorities right:

Professor A: “I should have your midterms back, but I am going to three sporting events in the next three days instead of grading your papers…it’s a sports overload that my wife’s not very happy about…”

My employment law professor keeps warning us that the ERISA material is boring:

Professor I: “I guarantee you the ERISA preemption case is…uh…well, it’s not fun. Good luck with that! See you next week!”

(I actually think the ERISA regulations are interesting and get to read a lot of ERISA-cases at work.)

My Real Estate law class has gone from a dull review of property law to an ultra-complicated look at the secondary mortgage market and rights of the mortgagee upon non-payment

Professor E: “Let me just tell you where we are going to start on Monday because I feel like I did enough damage today...”

I think most of us are unspeakably confused in that class. Thank goodness employment law and conlaw II are still easy…

Law School / unsolicited advice

Table of Authorities Time Saver

October 28, 2009

Writing a table of authorities for my moot court brief was something that I dreaded.

I mentioned this to one of my classmates and she directed me to Best Authority, which is a Word plugin that automatically builds table of authorities. Score, score, score!

You need a LexisNexis student account to use Best Authority for free.

2L Fall / dogs / picture of the day

Busy, busy

October 27, 2009

After finishing the tax midterm I turned around and began fixing my brief for moot court.

I have been parked in my living room going on 10 hours, and Harley is not quite sure why I am home so much. He keeps shooting me glares like, “Bitch, where’s my biscuit?”

The ridiculousness ends tomorrow (until finals that is), thank goodness.

humor / Life / overheard / Whittier / Uptown Minneapolis

Awkward and racist: Flem at the Coffeshop

October 26, 2009

My tax reading at Dunn Brothers (a coffee chain) was interrupted by some heavy drama.

First, I had the mildly annoying situation of my coffee gift card reading as if there is only 31 cents on it when the online balance is $49. The balance should be about $93 because I put $44 on it yesterday… anyway, that is NOT the drama keeping me from my tax reading…

The drama was Flem, the crazy, coughing man who was speaking REALLY LOUDLY on his phone and engaging in total overshare. Here are some gems:

Flem: “I cough, and I cough, and I cough. I live in a homeless shelter with about 40 other men and I am the loudest cougher in there.”

Flem: “Wait, I have another call coming in…yes sir. Yes. Yes sir. Well let me put you on my reject list…”

Flem: “…and I was riding my bike, all 230 pounds of me, and I crashed on the sidewalk and cracked my rib…”

Flem: “I’m living with a bunch of negros. At the homeless shelter it’s all negros. And I’m not a fan of the blacks. And no, they can’t hear me – I’m on the white part of town.”

Flem: “Things are rough here in Minneapolis. I just sold my last food stamps for $30.”

Flem: “I am taking all my medications, I’m doing all the right things…I keep my pajamas and flipflops there, I have my own uh…”

Flem: “I keep thinking I’m dying of some incurable lung cancer because it hurts so much…”

So I am sitting here exchanging smirks with the people around me. I love that this man sold his last food stamps but had a working cellphone with a headset. One of the Baristas did not appreciate Flem’s black-comments and asked Flem to leave.

Barista: “Um, excuse me sir. Can you please leave? You are bothering customers.”
Flem: “Okay, I dig it. I dig it.”
Barista: “Uh, thank you.”

The Barista goes back behind the counter and Flem changes his mind and goes ape-shit:

Flem: “BUT WHAT ABOUT WHAT FREE SPEECH? IS THERE NO FUCKING FREE SPEECH AT DUNN BROTHERS?! HUH?”

Barista: “DUDE! Get out of here!”

Flem: “No! I will not get out of here! The police won’t come before I get here! Blacks are niggers! NIGGERS! I know because I live with them!”

Barista: “DUDE! Shut up and leave!”

Flem: “NO I WILL NOT LEAVE! I WILL STAND HERE! CRACK CULTURE SUCKS! BLACK CULTURE SUCKS! EVERYONE IN HERE IS WHITE!”

Flem apparently didn’t see the five Somalis, the Mexican dude, or me.

Flem turns up the volume. He’s throwing a full out fit. Everyone gasps. The scene is charged and totally awkward.

This man is literally standing in the doorway, head raised at the sky screaming like a toddler having a temper tantrum. This was ten types of crazy. Hello Minneapolis!

Flem eventually left. I am just glad I am by the back door so I can dash out when Flem comes back with a gun…

2L Fall / Law School

Taxation Midterm on Capital Gains, aka what the hell?

October 26, 2009

What in the hell was that? This tax midterm has been a rabid monkey on my back for the past week. I was either studying for it or thinking about how I should be studying for it… and all that energy was a complete, and utter waste.

It’s time to get my 80’s headband out and sing:

That’s right.

The exam had two questions. The first question was a very basic capital gains problem, but the second part of the question was so poorly written ambiguous that the 5 classmates that I spoke to afterward each interpreted the question in a different way.

And the second question was a multi-part beast that several partnership-related facts. We did not cover partnerships in class at all, so I had to do some on-the-spot digging in the tax regulations. This is probably ripe with fail. Womp. Good thing this is only 15% of my grade…

Anyhoot. I am moving on, and going to Dunn Brothers to work on my moot court brief.

2L Fall / Law School / on the record

FLSA, glazed over eyes

October 26, 2009

Today’s Employment Law class consisted of a lecture on the Fair Labor Standards Act.

Professor I. was underwhelmed by our engagement:

Professor I: “I’ve succeed in glazing over almost every eye in the room. That’s an accomplishment!”
Professor I: “See you tomorrow if you can overcome what I did to you today…”

2L Fall / 2L Fall Summaries / dogs / Joel / video

Bitch not (BWE 6 & 7)

October 26, 2009

I wanted to write that my love affair with law school finally wore off.
I also wanted to write about how bored and annoyed I have been these past two weeks.

Instead of writing a whiny, bitchy post, I went on my nightly run. I am training for a marathon, and running is an excellent way to procrastinate writing whiny posts and studying for tax midterms.

During my run, I realized that I am only irritable in my easy classes. The problem I have with easy classes is the curve. Easy classes mean arbitrary grading because everyone understands the material. The difference between an A and a C is usually something obscure or even the format of the answer (instead of the content.)

There’s nothing I can really do about this besides get over it. And yes, I’m totally singing “HEY! Get-get-get-get over it!”

That’s not a bad law school motto actually…

A lot happened in weeks 6 and 7. It snowed several times, but the snow didn’t stick around. I went to my first hockey game (videos here!), rediscovered the Mississippi River, set off a perfume bomb, had a mouse/pig problem, and ran into Mel again…

Here is a 1 minute video of the snow, Joel and Harley, and St. Anthony Falls:

I think I am going to give up studying for my tax midterm and go to bed. I’m to the point where I am just confusing myself. Capital gain? What? Who?

Weekly summaries from this semester:

By the way, I’ve gotten over the weather. A 40 degree mist isn’t that bad when you’re running up hills.

dogs / Joel / Take Three

Indulgence

October 25, 2009

Joel is very patient and can pet Harley for hours at a time.

The only problem is that when Joel tries to get up Harley puts his paw on Joel’s chest like, “Wait, where do you think you’re going?!”

study aids

Revenue Ruling 80-362

October 25, 2009

Revenue Ruling 80-362, 1980-2 C.B. 208

It’s confusing. So here’s a chart.

Law School

Jansen elsewhere

October 24, 2009

Here are some of my recent posts at The Shark:

Every time I see the word “UMass” I have to think about the Pixies song:

the details

Warning Label

October 23, 2009

This should not have amused me as much as it did, but here is a funny warning label I came across downtown:

It looks like the voltage can give ninja kicks.

picture of the day / the details

Saint Anthony Falls

October 23, 2009

Here are some pictures I took of Saint Anthony Falls, which was (according to Wikipedia) the only major natural waterfall on the Mississippi.

Click the thumbnails to view larger versions.

More photography on No.634:

blog theory

Tech Notes

October 22, 2009

Domain anonymity: I have recommended using the domain upgrade feature from wordpress.com in the past. I used the wordpress domain upgrade feature when I first started this blog and I was happy with the service.

When I moved to hostmonster.com I saw an option to purchase “domain privacy” which is something that wordpress did not offer… and that is when I realized: Oh my god, my home address and phone number was public information for anyone who did a WHOIS search. Security breach!

I’m going to let all of you wordpress users finish hyperventilating.

What can you do? Well, I’m not sure if there is an answer other than switching to a domain provider that offers a privacy option.

The second, less scary, announcement is a little more techy and obscure. I’ve switched the permalinks around on this blog so a link like:

http://www.memosandmirth.com/?p=208

is now…

http://www.dennis-jansen.com/humor/legal-humor/on-the-record-civpro-conlaw-and-torts/

The old numerical links should forward. And it not… meh. Whatever.

It’s a SEO thing. Increases ad revenue and pays my bills. If your blog is hosted at wordpress.com then it should do this automatically.

2L Fall / Law School / on the record

Professor V hears a sound.

October 22, 2009

A few minutes into my Conflicts class we heard a ringing sound from the hallway. Jill sits by the door, which has a window to the hallway:

Professor V: “What is that ringing sound?”
Jill: “I think it’s coming from the hallway.”
Professor V: “Hm.”
Jill (opening door): “It’s coming from out here, but I’m not sure what it is. Carbon Monoxide?”
Jack: “Is that a fire alarm?”
Professor V: “Probably not. Jill, let us know if you see flames.”
Jill: “Will do!”

A little Carbon Monoxide isn’t going to interrupt Conflicts.

I am Ally McBeal

October 22, 2009

…in which I become creepy “laughs to himself” guy.

I am sitting in the cafeteria area of the law school, reading for Conflicts.

It is hard to concentrate because two girls from my Tax Law class are seated two tables over. They are preparing for the midterm, and one of the girls has a booming voice.

Suddenly, I imagined her saying “SORRY. I CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!”

And I bust out laughing.

Just Sayin / the cases

The Supreme Court said it best

October 21, 2009

Next time I consider writing a race-based post I am just going to look for Supreme Court opinions on point.

From today’s Conlaw reading:

Adarand Constructors v. Pena, 515 U.S. 200, 241 (U.S. 1995)
(STEVENS, J., dissenting). It is also true that “remedial” racial preferences may reflect “a desire to foster equality in society,” But there can be no doubt that racial paternalism and its unintended consequences can be as poisonous and pernicious as any other form of discrimination.
So-called “benign” discrimination teaches many that because of chronic and apparently immutable handicaps, minorities cannot compete with them without their patronizing indulgence.
Inevitably, such programs engender attitudes of superiority or, alternatively, provoke resentment among those who believe that they have been wronged by the government’s use of race. These programs stamp minorities with a badge of inferiority and may cause them to develop dependencies or to adopt an attitude that they are “entitled” to preferences.

And,

Grutter v. Bollinger, 539 U.S. 306, 349 (U.S. 2003)
(SCALIA) Still other suits may challenge the bona fides of the institution’s expressed commitment to the educational benefits of diversity that immunize the discriminatory scheme in Grutter. (Tempting targets, one would suppose, will be those universities that talk the talk of multiculturalism and racial diversity in the courts but walk the walk of tribalism and racial segregation on their campuses–through minority-only student organizations, separate minority housing opportunities, separate minority student centers, even separate minority-only graduation ceremonies.)

The university described in Scalia’s parenthetical reminds me a lot of the University of Miami, where there was a beast known as “minority life” which consisted of minority fraternal organizations, clubs, events, and a de facto minority dorm.

That was the backdrop for the 0L summer “I am not Tyrone” tirade post.

That was also why I didn’t apply to the minority Big Law summer internship program, which had a prompt akin to “Tell us your victimization story.”

Anyhoot. Back to Conlaw… this week is officially crunch time…

Joel / Minneapolis-St. Paul / video

Minnesota Wild Videos

October 21, 2009

So I learned two things during the Minnesota Wild game:

1) I learned was how to use the action setting on my camera which takes automatic pictures. I had WELL over 800 pictures from that night.

I edited some of the pictures, but threw the rest in a flip-book like video:

And yes, that entire video is comprised of nothing but pictures. And yes, I am aware that the “E” from “Irreplaceable” is clipped in that video and I am not going to fix it. I am sure sasha fierce won’t mind.

And

2) Joel is as clumsy as I am:

I realize the song for the second video is grossly inappropriate for hockey. I first heard that song on a MTVU short, and spent an offensive amount of time tracking it down, so it had to be used.