A fat person’s apartment

I’m making birthday plans with Jack & Company over the phone:

Jack: “Should I just come over at 10 before we go out? I want to see the dog!”
Me: “Erm. I have to clean my apartment first.”
Jack: “You are NOT cleaning your apartment on your birthday!”
Me: “Oh, yes I am!”
Jack: “It’s your birthday! You shouldn’t be cleaning! I can clean your apartment for you or hang out when you’re cleaning.”
Me: “NO ONE CAN SEE THIS FAT PERSON’S APARTMENT!”
Me: “That’s my birthday gift to myself actually. My apartment is getting fat-people messy.”
Jack: “Huh?”
Me: “It looks like a fat person’s apartment – and come to think of it I HAVE gained weight these past few weeks!”
Jack: “Fat person’s apartment?”
Me: “Have you ever noticed how the people who are morbidly obese tend to have the junky cars, offices, and houses? It’s like a lifestyle of slovenly. Every unwashed dish is a inch on my chin!”
Jack: “Well I don’t care!”
Me: “It’s not about whether about you care. It’s about whether I care. You know what? It’s like diarrhea. I don’t care if people know when I have diarrhea, but it doesn’t mean I want to have it in front of them. That is why no one can see this apartment like this!”
Jack: “…”
Me: “Got you with that one didn’t I?”
Jack (laughing): “Yes. You did. Clean your apartment and call me.”