The bus I wasn’t officially on

I did not go to school yesterday morning. Instead, I took the dog around lake Calhoun and reexamined my reasons for being in law school.

Something wasn’t working and it was time to figure it out.

In hokey legal format, here are my findings of fact:

1. My primary career goals since high school have involved my creative work.
2. The purpose of college (now law school) was to satisfy my intellectual curiosity and to put something on my resume besides “starving artist, see portfolio.”
3. Because I wanted to do “well” in college (and now law school) I’ve placed my creative work on the backburner for the past six years.
4. The result is a constant, pervading sense of guilt and failure because I am not working towards primary goals and I am noncommittal to my “backup plan” because it is, well, a backup plan.¹

I felt liberated. But before I could celebrate, the dog snapped me back to reality by dragging me six feet to chase a flock of geese. Chaos ensued. The geese were not amused.

To say that I am noncommittal to law school is unfair. I felt noncommittal because I carried this vague² notion that in law school there is a top prize – one that I did not want to pursue because I knew it would be disastrous³ for me.

To say that law school is a backup plan is also unfair. This isn’t a situation of “if the creative stuff doesn’t work out I can become a lawyer.” The purpose of law school for me to satisfy my intellectual curiosity⁴ and make me eligible for a career that will support my creative work.⁵

Law school is meeting those expectations and this vague sense of dread about not doing what I don’t want to do anyway is counter-productive. I decided yesterday to dismount the hamster wheel and spent the first half of the day on creative work and went to the Walter library to study around 3pm.

The reading was much easier once I reminded myself why I was doing it.

After a few hours at the library I went onto facebook. I saw the name of a high school friend in the “upcoming birthdays” list. She was a year younger than me, had a crazy laugh, and was one of the few people from my high school that went to college.

I hadn’t spoken to Karen in a while, so I clicked on her profile. I was horrified when I saw that the posts her wall were all variations of “I miss you, rest in peace.” She died earlier this year. If there was anything to solidify my “life goals reaffirmation” kick, that was it.

¹ So we have a self-sabotaging situation going on because (subconsciously) I feel like if I do too well in law school, that I would neglect my goals for three years just to end up in a 90-hour a week situation where I wouldn’t have time to do any creative work. Like Tim Ferris, I’m not interested in being the bitter fat man with Benz, or like the attorney who told us that she spent years in a miserable job just because “it was one of the many carrots that are dangled before you in law school.”
²…and completely ridiculous.
³ The mindset that there’s Skadden and then hippie-law. Nothing else.
⁴ Sort of like a finishing school. If I went out into the world with just by UMiami degree I would have felt grossly undereducated. If one learns nothing else in law school, it’s how to work hard.
⁵ …instead of extinguishing it. And it doesn’t matter if this means practicing at a small/med firm, legal research company, or managing a Starbucks.