I once had a friend, Jack, who I dreaded going out with.
Jack chose his “friends” primarily based on looks, so we’d inevitably end up in a large group of guys who were as bored with themselves as they were with each other.
One day we ended up at a large table at Lush with about 10 of his “friends.” The “workout routine conversation” was exhausted the night before and we weren’t allowed to talk about school or work because half of the table was under-employed.
So the group was dead silent as everyone browsed the Grindr profiles of the guys next to them.
It was sad, and awkward.
I excused myself to the restroom, where I ran into my friend Jill.
Jill: “You’re at quite the A-list table today. They are all so pretty!”
Me: “Being on the A-list is pretty fucking miserable then.”
Last night I rewatched The Adonis Factor.
It is the gay companion documentary to Chasing Beauty, and tells us what we already know: physical beauty is a status symbol, but relationships solely based on physical beauty tend to be short and unfulfilling.
The film implies that fitness is the primary driver of status in the gay community and largely ignores two other status factors that have been important in my 20’s: career and race.
Waiters in Audis
I’ve only lived in two places as an adult: Miami and Minnesota.
Guys in Miami are pretty, but it never occured to me to be socially competitive with them. Like many tourist towns, there are lots of people with serious wealth, but there are also way more pretty people just living beyond their means.
Although I often went out in South Beach as a college student, I was never intimidated by the hot waiters driving leased Audis.
I was aware that these guys had different lives and priorities – they spent most of their time in the gym, whereas I was in the classroom. People are also more transparent about surgery and extreme workout habits in Miami, so there’s less mystery behind how people look.
When I moved to Minnesota, I noticed that the standards of male beauty are dramatically different here, but the basic social dynamics didn’t change.
Miami has more a bulky Guido/cholo aesthetic whereas Minnesota has a leaner, “runner/swimmer” look.
I quickly realized that the popular guys at the bar were often the 6th-year college seniors and guys who lived with their parents, so I wasn’t intimidated by them.
Although the fit guys got invited to more events and hookups, things typically changed when people started discussing their careers.
I think the older we get, the more we realize that “having your shit together” is more important than abs or a pompadour.
Race is the other major social theme that is barely covered in the Adonis Factor.
The narrator briefly mentions the absence of black guys in most gay scenes, but doesn’t explore the topic. Racial exclusion is particularly pronounced in Minnesota.
Simply put: Most gay guys in Minnesota are white. There are white guys who have minority friends, and white guys who do not.
I like to think that these racial dynamics aren’t a conscious choice, but they often are.
Some groups will allow the token, hyper-fit black guy, but many of the gay guys that I meet do not have meaningful relationships with minorities. There are a variety of reasons behind this, but most boil down to lack of exposure and boilerplate racism. Some guys are pretty open about this.
Diversity within social groups is also often the result of a fetish – e.g., the guy who only dates blacks and latinos.
Perversely, the harsh racial dynamics in Minnesota actually simplify making friends and dating. Minorities and those open to minorities tend to identify themselves and actively nurture relationships.
It’s also easy to form those friendships because I know that I will have shared experiences with educated minorities, especially the non-Minnesotans. The result is that my group of friends in Minnesota is as racially and geographically diverse as my core Miami group, and I enjoy a pretty vibrant social life because of it.
Perhaps the Adonis Factor isn’t such a bad thing.
