The caveat

Amber, one of my old coworkers, graduated last year. During Amber’s last week at work she said:

Amber: “I am a happy person. Really. I’m not unhappy, but I am definitely less happy after being in law school.”

I thought it was an odd comment, but I understand it now that I am a 3L.

I remembered Amber’s comment while trying to explain what has happened to me to a college friend. I kept using words such as weary, quieter, subdued, but I could not find a satisfying description of how I am less vibrant than I was in undergrad. I think “less happy but not unhappy” works.

I did a read-through of this blog, which covers most of my college years. The read-through was humbling.

College was fun¹ and I was definitely more vibrant in undergrad. What is different about law school, especially 3L year, is that I no longer have an unchecked sense of excitement and optimism.

In college I was not worried about the job market and I did not have to fiercely compete for good grades.  I also did not realize the true costs of prestigious things like good law school grades and high-paying jobs, or what many people sacrifice (work, health, relationships) to achieve those things.
The “top-prize” has some horrible caveat that suddenly makes it undesirable. It’s like competing for a promotion that entails a three-year assignment in North Korea.
I made a choice not to sacrifice certain things for the sake of prestige. So I am happy, but there is still an element of loss and disappointment based on my unrealistic assumptions. This makes me less “happy,” but probably more realistic and grounded.

In college had a lot of adventures, took some great pictures, had big crushes, ran into too much poop, attended hilarious drag shows, rambled, ate too much junk food, kept an awesome desk (and dorm!), engaged in mischief , suspected that I had ADHD, fretted over law school applications (before deciding), saw Anderson Cooper, tried desperately to be productive, beached it, worried about housing in Minneapolis, finally moved to Minneapolis, ran around the city with housemates, got introduced to torts, wario, … I studied, had Halloween fun, froze, O.D.ed on coffee…and and and…. although I am horrified now about how dangerous some of the situations my friends and I were in… we didn’t realize it at the time.