on the record Archives - Page 9 of 9

Another day in Torts

September 15, 2008

Professor T: “What do you think student? Why did she sue when she didn’t have a cause of action?”
Student: “Money, money, money mooooney!” (yes, he sang the Apprentice theme song).
Professor T: “During cross examination you can ask a leading question. And what a leading question does is makes you walk off a cliff one step at a time.”
Professor T: “And while you’re cross examining you have the deposition there, and if they say something inconsistent with the deposition you highlight it and make them read it back to you, so they are perjuring themselves… and then you BEAT THEM ACROSS THE HEAD AND SHOULDERS WITH IT!”
Professor T: “…and since nothing good can ever happen from talking to the police… you should just walk away!”
Professor T: “So you walk into a store with Jane, and I say, “If you don’t go into the back room with me I’ll shoot Jane’s dog. Is that false imprisonment?”
Student: “I don’t like dogs. So no.”
Later…

Professor T : “Well, Jack may be a very sensitive person who is concerned with the wellbeing of Sarah, but the rest of us may regard Sarah’s fate with supreme disinterest…”

Law School / legal humor / on the record

Tort Hypo

September 12, 2008

Prof: “What if I call in a bomb threat?”
Student: “Well did you mean it?”
Prof: “If I call you up and tell you I’m going to commit a tort I mean it! I’m going to burn your house. I’m going to kill your dog. You will find your rabbit in a pot of water…”

Law School / legal humor / on the record

On the Record: CivPro, ConLaw, and Torts

September 11, 2008

The hilarity isn’t limited to my Torts professor:
Professor V: “I was going to get all hysterical about a student using the wrong form of “its” but then I saw it on an ABA website this morning — so welcome to the club!”
Professor V: “Marshall defines commerce as intercourse, and since we aren’t in high school we don’t have to go “tee hee hee” about his word choice.”
Professor L: “You’re unlikely to see congress be quite this dumb, although close…”
And Professor T on intent:
“Whether you are strangling your roommate because you think you’re squeezing lemons, or strangling your roommate because you hate him…”
And, taking someone’s suggestion, I started a quote category, “On the Record.”

Law School / legal humor / on the record

On the Record: The Best of Torts

September 9, 2008

For those of you, who though law school would be boring, here are the best snippets from my prof today*,
“So it’s convenient for hypos to have the kid say, “I like to see little old ladies fall on the ground!”
“How many preschool kids pull chairs from under others? Lots. Why? Because it’s funny. It’s funny to watch people fall on the ground.”
“What about Ruth!? SHE’S DEAD!”
“The A.L.I.? We are a bunch of lawyers, and judges, and professors, and we get together once a year at a big convention. It usually conflicts with opening of fishing season so I don’t go.”
“So we have a new dean. I’ve already gotten on a bad foot with the new dean. So I have to do what you do when you get on a bad foot with a new dean… I roll a hand grenade into his office.”
“Let me rephrase the question, what is the expected outcome when I roll a hand grenade into a small enclosed space with people in it?”
“What happens when I see the new dean across the parking lot? Hundreds of feet away? And I say that there’s no way I can hit him…and of course I throw the rock and fell him like an ox….”
“And the defendant said, “Assault and battery! You betcha! But good! And by the way the statute of limitations is up!”
Prof: “What do we call when a person dies from having a chair pull from under them?”
Student: “Misfortunate?”
“So what do we do with shy people? We humiliate them! I mean, I’m not the subject of friendly, unsolicited hugs.”
“Today we take that kind of friendliness to be sexual harassment in the workplace.”
“I’m moving this chair to demonstrate my capacity to move a chair. And you are impressed.”
“Whenever there’s a buffet I always find it convenient to just pull my chair up so I don’t have to move around.”
*most of these were said in jest.