Law School

Professor L’s nose was bruised this morning. She told us why:
Professor L: “I was playing tug of war with my dog Monday. And my dog, with great force, head butted me! Right in the nose! If you’ve ever seen a boxing match, it was like the moment the guy’s fist connects with the nose and, (I know it’s early) imagine the blood spurting everywhere… well this was the scene at my house Monday morning…”
Sweet semantics

Professor C: “Ahhh, I don’t think it’s an ice cream shop! It’s a frozen yogurt shop! TCBY? Let’s call it a frozen yogurt confection.”
Minor’s Consent:
Professor T: “When my daughter was 12, she wanted to get her ears pierced. So my daughter goes down to the local piercery, which is the same thing as serial stabbing…do I have a case?”
Student: “Did she ask you?”
Professor T: “Of course not. She knew I would say “no” so she does what any 12 year old does, and didn’t ask me.”
Student: “Then you can sue!”
Professor T: “Yes. Exactly. I can sue for battery because they put holes in my property.”
In case you die:
Professor T: “Minnesota Statue 145 B.04. Write this down. Minnesota Statue 145 B.04. I say this because you are all young and think you’re bullet proof. You’re not. You will be in a car accident. Bricks will fall out of the sky. Minnesota Statue 145 B.04.”
Medical Liability:
“Putting the tumor back is not an option. Because that poor tumor, after it’s been deprived of its sustenance, is now dead.”
Bloodlust.
Professor T: “If you’re going to be in an accident and run someone over, who’s your favorite victim?”
Jack: “A bum!”
Professor T: “Who’s your second favorite victim?”
Jill: “A CHILD!”
Professor T: “Right. They are worthless. And then?”
Jack: “A retired person!”
Professor T: “And for the purposes of future earnings you want to nail a child, a retired person, and a bum.”
Billy: “What about a nun?”
Professor T: “I’m TRYING TO HAVE A SERIOUS DISCUSSION HERE!”
Billy: “Sorry!”
Professor T: “But now that we’re on it, YES. Since the nun is concerned with poverty, her worth isn’t much in court. Now, after you run over your child, retired person, bum, and nun…what do you do?”
Jack: “Repent?”
Professor T: “No. You back up and make sure you finished the job!”
Sugamomma…
Professor T: “Jill, does your husband have any interest in you?”
Jill: “Besides my sugamomma status?”
Professor T: “Yes a consortium…damages.”
Jill: “But I’m irreplaceable!”
Professor T: “We all are. Well, most of us. Not all of our dogs love us…”

Tracing liability
Professor T: “You can trace everything back to your mother. But we aren’t going to sue your mother just because she caused you, and you caused torts.”

Consent
Professor T: “It’s subjective… In a sexual encounter, what would normally be rape can be classified as a good or bad decision…”

On Vaccinations:
Professor T: “What do we call someone who marches down a row of people stabbing them in the arm?”
Student: “A serial stabber?”
Professor T: “…what about in this case?”
Student: “A doctor with consent to stab?”
Professor T: “And is he liable?”
Student: “If he has permission to serially stab I guess.”
Professor T: “At first pass they can stab a couple of times,.. at least until they get it right. And why does consent matter, when dealing with a serial stabber? I like serial stabbers…”

Context and custom to infer apparent consent:
Professor T: “Mike, Let’s say you and Sarah go on a date tonight…”
Mike*: “Erm…”
Sarah: “I’m MARRIED!”
Professor T: “That makes it even more interesting!”
Mike: “Erm…”
Sarah: “Well, my husband’s pretty beefy…”
Professor T: “And he finds out! And you’re shocked, and you find yourself in a lot of legal turmoil…”

The pain is just beginning…
Student: (dead silence)
Professor T: “And this was the easy question. I have three more.”

How to get called on:
Professor T: “Jake!”
Jake: “Uh?”
Professor T: “I saw you twitch right?”
Jake: “Uh… no… I was just scratching the back of my head.”
Professor T: “Well answer anyway.”

Professor T: “And Kevin since you’re my expert on all things surgically removed.”

Professor T: “What do you think student? Why did she sue when she didn’t have a cause of action?”
Student: “Money, money, money mooooney!” (yes, he sang the Apprentice theme song).
Professor T: “During cross examination you can ask a leading question. And what a leading question does is makes you walk off a cliff one step at a time.”
Professor T: “And while you’re cross examining you have the deposition there, and if they say something inconsistent with the deposition you highlight it and make them read it back to you, so they are perjuring themselves… and then you BEAT THEM ACROSS THE HEAD AND SHOULDERS WITH IT!”
Professor T: “…and since nothing good can ever happen from talking to the police… you should just walk away!”
Professor T: “So you walk into a store with Jane, and I say, “If you don’t go into the back room with me I’ll shoot Jane’s dog. Is that false imprisonment?”
Student: “I don’t like dogs. So no.”
Later…

Professor T : “Well, Jack may be a very sensitive person who is concerned with the wellbeing of Sarah, but the rest of us may regard Sarah’s fate with supreme disinterest…”