Minneapolis-St. Paul Archives - Page 31 of 34

Minneapolis-St. Paul / Whittier / Uptown Minneapolis

Tomorrow, I clean my closets.

November 25, 2009

The goons are out in the neighborhood tonight.

Harley and I were a few blocks away from my apartment, turning a corner, when I heard a gunshot.

I stood still, watched the street, and had two thoughts:

Shit. My closets are a mess! If I get shot again my mother is going to fly up, and get buried under an avalanche of laundry.
I wonder if I will feel myself fall or if the light will just click off.

After a moment I cautiously continued down the street. Everything was quiet. We were halfway down the block when another shot came from behind the houses. Harley looked up at me like “this is some bullshit.”

And it was.

Once I got to the end of the block, a sketchy guy wearing all black flew around the corner. He clutched something in his coat pocket. I avoided eye contact and kept Harley in a short leash.

Sketch turned into the alleyway, and I made my way to a busier street.

Tomorrow, I clean my closets.

Life / Minneapolis-St. Paul

The trash bin calls

November 25, 2009

Further evidence as to why I don’t text and drive – on the way to work today I almost smacked into an industrial sized trash bin that was rolling middle of the highway. It was on the top oart of a hill like an obstruction in Mario Kart.

I did a quick gasp/swerve combo and the person tailgating me did the same.

I then called 311 and got my daily dose of government inefficiency:

311 operator: “Minneapolis 311. How can we help?”
Me: “I’m driving eastbound on highway 62 and almost hit an industrial trash can rolling in the middle of the road. Could you send someone to remove it?”
311 operator: “You’ll have to call 911 for that and tell them to remove it.”
Me: “Okay.”

So I called 911.

911 operator: “911.”
Me: “Uh, hi. I was driving down eastbound highway 62 and almost hit an industrial trash can rolling in the middle of the road. Could you send someone to remove it?”
911 operator: “You’ll have to call highway patrol for that and tell them to remove it.”
Me: “Okay.”

So I was transferred to highway patrol, and about 10 miles away from the trash bin at this point.

Highway Patrol dispatcher: “Highway Patrol.”
Me: “Uh, hi. I was –“
911 operator (cutting in): “Yes we have an obstruction on highway 62 eastbound near 32nd Avenue.”
Me: “Huh?”
Highway Patrol dispatcher: “Before the overpass?”
Me (Wondering if I should be part of this convo): “Well, uh –”
911 operator: “Yes.”
Highway Patrol dispatcher: “What’s going on?”
Me: “Uh, I was driving down eastbound highway 62 and almost hit an industrial trash can rolling in the middle of the road.”
Highway Patrol dispatcher: “We’ll send someone right out!”
Me: “Thanks…”

dogs / Whittier / Uptown Minneapolis

Chubby Grace makes an observation

November 22, 2009

I ran into The Graces this morning.

The Graces are my neighborhood’s shockingly inappropriate trio of women. The Graces are like Matryoshka dolls: one is obese, another is chubby, and one is normal-sized.

I walked by the Graces on this morning’s dog walk. It’s 10am and the Graces are sitting on a retention wall passing a bottle of liquor¹ when Chubby Grace spots my dog:

Chubby Grace: “Dog!”
Normal Grace: “Yes. A dog.”
Chubby Grace: “That’s a big dog.”
Obese Grace: “Sure is! Tee hee hee!”
Chubby Grace: “And the dog has an asshole!”

Obese and Normal Grace are occupied with the bottle.

Chubby Grace is transfixed on my dog’s butt.

I am uncomfortable.

Me: “Hm. I don’t know how to respond to that….but …have a great day!”

Harley and I scamper off, leaving the Graces with their bottle.

What the hell neighborhood. What. The. Hell.

¹ Yes, at 10am on a Sunday. And this is odd because the bottle was in a brown bag and the liquor stores are closed on Sundays.

Minneapolis-St. Paul / picture of the day / the details

Westminster Presbyterian Church

November 20, 2009

Every time I see the towers of downtown’s Westminster Presbyterian Church, I imagine a giant toddler meandering down the street and hole punching those shapes into the top of the towers.

Here are some pictures. The thumbnails are linked to larger images.

RSS/Facebook readers: click here if you cannot see the gallery above.

See also:

Kirche
Cathedral of St. Paul

Minneapolis-St. Paul / pictures

Fall leaves in Minneapolis

November 15, 2009

Cliché but required. It’s not fall without pictures of the leaves:

RSS/Facebook readers: click here if you cannot see the gallery. The thumbnails link to larger files.

Minneapolis-St. Paul / Take Three

Respect is now for sale

November 10, 2009

I posted this picture earlier this year on facebook:

Respect for lease. Surely a sign of a bad economy.

But things have gotten much, much worse:

the details / Whittier / Uptown Minneapolis

Creepy little girl

November 9, 2009

Oh look, it’s Kerli. There are several abandoned buildings in Jack’s part of Minneapolis. I spotted this street art on one of them:

The thumbnails are linked to full sized images. RSS/Facebook readers: click here if you cannot see the gallery.

No smashing pumpkins

November 8, 2009

The neighborhood children haven’t discovered that no one really cares if you smash the jackolanterns after Halloween.

So they sit and rot:

Minneapolis-St. Paul / pictures

Minneapolis photo dump

November 5, 2009

Photos of Minneapolis, the city of the $42 traffic ticket.

The images link to larger files. RSS/Facebook readers: click here if you cannot see the gallery.

These are photos that I am not sure that I posted. I apologize if they appear in earlier posts.

Minneapolis-St. Paul / picture of the day

Tuthill’s Balloon Emporium

November 3, 2009

There are “Vote Meg Tuthill” plastered all over the neighborhood. She’s running for city council and apparently the owner of Tuthill’s Balloon Emporium:

I thought the Balloon Emporium was abandoned when I first saw it, but it is still in business and I think it is like a Party City store.

I told Joel how appalled I was that two people on Saturday had never heard of Party City.

He nodded understandingly and then told me that he had never heard of it either. Why do so many Minnesotans not know about the “nation’s largest party retailer” according to Wikipedia? Does everyone just go to Target?

After we figure out this answer we’ll get to why I am suddenly on a Party City awareness campaign.

I expect my check in the mail. Thank you.

Minneapolis-St. Paul / pictures

Minneapolis Wallpapers

November 3, 2009

Here are three random wallpapers that I have used in the past few weeks.

The first wallpaper is a facade of an old mill. The second wallpaper is the cheesy obligatory “it’s fall” shot. And the last wallpaper is a closeup of a spray-painted and utility box.

The wallpapers are available in 1440×900.

More wallpapers are here.

Minneapolis-St. Paul / picture of the day / the details

Grain Belt Beer

November 2, 2009

It’s rusty, it’s crusty, and it’s poorly aged, but I love the Grain Belt Beer sign by the Hennepin Avenue Bridge.

Below are some thumbnails. Click the images to see larger versions.

More Minneapolis photography on No.634:

humor / Life / Minneapolis-St. Paul

Halloween recap

November 1, 2009

I still can’t believe I brought a copy of the United States Tax Code to a club. The Tax Code was an amazing prop for my second Halloween costume: law student!

I had tape on my glasses, an old briefcase, and about 8 inches of books. I felt pretty…oh so pretty…

The craziest costume we saw last night was an abortion doctor who wore a monster fetus on his shoulder. Yes, it was as gross as it sounds.

At the Eagle there were three guys wearing the same pimp costume from Party City. Wearing the same $19.99 costume as two other people is worse than being caught wearing a duplicate dress on the red carpet. The pimps did not know each other, but the bar was so crowded that they ended up awkwardly close anyway.

When I made the Party City comment to my bar group, I got the craziest looks because two of the people in my bar-group had NEVER HEARD OF PARTY CITY! Gasp! I don’t know why I am so scandalized by this… it must be the franchise-lover in me…

Next to the duplicate pimps was a morbidly obese man dressed as Winnie the Pooh. I told Pooh that he should have brought a jar of honey as a prop.

The best costume of the night was Billy Mays. There was also a guy at the Saloon who I swear was NeNe Leakes from the Housewives of Atlanta.

In true NeNe style, the NeNe drag queen went off on someone….and that someone just happened to be my friend Phillip! We were on the dance floor and Phillip’s costume caught on NeNe’s sleeve. Nene thought Phillip was grabbing her and proceeded to smack him.

…and hilarity ensued.

NeNe’s friend eventually came and calmed her down. The awkwardness was delicious.

Last year I spent Halloween DJing at the Gamma eta Gamma house. Pictures are here.

humor / Life / overheard / Whittier / Uptown Minneapolis

Awkward and racist: Flem at the Coffeshop

October 26, 2009

My tax reading at Dunn Brothers (a coffee chain) was interrupted by some heavy drama.

First, I had the mildly annoying situation of my coffee gift card reading as if there is only 31 cents on it when the online balance is $49. The balance should be about $93 because I put $44 on it yesterday… anyway, that is NOT the drama keeping me from my tax reading…

The drama was Flem, the crazy, coughing man who was speaking REALLY LOUDLY on his phone and engaging in total overshare. Here are some gems:

Flem: “I cough, and I cough, and I cough. I live in a homeless shelter with about 40 other men and I am the loudest cougher in there.”

Flem: “Wait, I have another call coming in…yes sir. Yes. Yes sir. Well let me put you on my reject list…”

Flem: “…and I was riding my bike, all 230 pounds of me, and I crashed on the sidewalk and cracked my rib…”

Flem: “I’m living with a bunch of negros. At the homeless shelter it’s all negros. And I’m not a fan of the blacks. And no, they can’t hear me – I’m on the white part of town.”

Flem: “Things are rough here in Minneapolis. I just sold my last food stamps for $30.”

Flem: “I am taking all my medications, I’m doing all the right things…I keep my pajamas and flipflops there, I have my own uh…”

Flem: “I keep thinking I’m dying of some incurable lung cancer because it hurts so much…”

So I am sitting here exchanging smirks with the people around me. I love that this man sold his last food stamps but had a working cellphone with a headset. One of the Baristas did not appreciate Flem’s black-comments and asked Flem to leave.

Barista: “Um, excuse me sir. Can you please leave? You are bothering customers.”
Flem: “Okay, I dig it. I dig it.”
Barista: “Uh, thank you.”

The Barista goes back behind the counter and Flem changes his mind and goes ape-shit:

Flem: “BUT WHAT ABOUT WHAT FREE SPEECH? IS THERE NO FUCKING FREE SPEECH AT DUNN BROTHERS?! HUH?”

Barista: “DUDE! Get out of here!”

Flem: “No! I will not get out of here! The police won’t come before I get here! Blacks are niggers! NIGGERS! I know because I live with them!”

Barista: “DUDE! Shut up and leave!”

Flem: “NO I WILL NOT LEAVE! I WILL STAND HERE! CRACK CULTURE SUCKS! BLACK CULTURE SUCKS! EVERYONE IN HERE IS WHITE!”

Flem apparently didn’t see the five Somalis, the Mexican dude, or me.

Flem turns up the volume. He’s throwing a full out fit. Everyone gasps. The scene is charged and totally awkward.

This man is literally standing in the doorway, head raised at the sky screaming like a toddler having a temper tantrum. This was ten types of crazy. Hello Minneapolis!

Flem eventually left. I am just glad I am by the back door so I can dash out when Flem comes back with a gun…

Joel / Minneapolis-St. Paul / video

Minnesota Wild Videos

October 21, 2009

So I learned two things during the Minnesota Wild game:

1) I learned was how to use the action setting on my camera which takes automatic pictures. I had WELL over 800 pictures from that night.

I edited some of the pictures, but threw the rest in a flip-book like video:

And yes, that entire video is comprised of nothing but pictures. And yes, I am aware that the “E” from “Irreplaceable” is clipped in that video and I am not going to fix it. I am sure sasha fierce won’t mind.

And

2) Joel is as clumsy as I am:

I realize the song for the second video is grossly inappropriate for hockey. I first heard that song on a MTVU short, and spent an offensive amount of time tracking it down, so it had to be used.

Joel / Minneapolis-St. Paul

Minnesota Wild Pictures

October 21, 2009

Here are the rest of the pictures from the Minnesota Wild vs. Anaheim Ducks game. I took a ton of pictures of the sidelines and crowd because the facial expressions are priceless.

Click on the thumbnails to see the full sized picture:

dogs / Uptown Apartment

MICE! or pigs…

October 20, 2009

I have mice in my apartment!

Well, either that or my upstairs neighbor started raising pigs…

I swear I saw a mouse dart across my kitchen floor a few days ago. I was mortified. As a Miamian, I am used to roaches and lizards, but not mice.

Que disgusting!
And loud!

At least roaches don’t scamper about and squeal. The noise has kept me up all night. I wake up to squeals from the kitchen, but of course the dog is useless. Bullmastiffs were OBVIOUSLY never used as hunting dogs.

I used to have a Dachshund. My dachshund would wake up if he heard anything squealing in the middle of the night, growl, and then hunt it down like a monster from Pandorum.

But no, not my dog.

First, he cannot hear anything over his snoring.
Second, when I do shake him awake like “OH MY GOD DO YOU HEAR THAT?” he opens his eyes, keeps snoring with his eyes open, and then rolls over like “bitch, I’m sleeping.”

USELESS! Absolutely useless!

So I tip-toed to the kitchen – where all the commotion is coming from – and I swear it sounds like Jerry Springer is holding a mouse session in the ceiling: squealing, slapping, and chairs being thrown… All of it.

But because the sound seems to come from the ceiling, I cannot rule out the possibility that my upstairs neighbor has a live pig or something in her kitchen. And no, that would not be strange in this apartment building…

Anyhoot, I am going to try to go back to bed. In the morning I may have to invest in some mouse traps, or get over my cat allergy…

dogs / Whittier / Uptown Minneapolis

Mel’s working rain or shine

October 15, 2009

It is 41 degrees outside (“feels like 34”) and raining, so of course the dog wakes me up:

Harley: “Time to go poopy!”
Me (looking outside): “Bitch please. Go back to sleep.”
Harley: “Poopy! Can’t wait. Noooow please.”
Me: “Fine, fine…5 more minutes…”
Harley: “The pudding can’t wait!”

Harley jumps off my bed and scampers off.

I’m putting my jeans on to take the dog out when a hear a toot from the living room.

Harley trots out of his kennel by the time I get there. There’s a big-steamy-pile of surprise in the kennel. Harley wags his tail until I start with the hysterics:

Me: “GOD DAMMIT! THIS IS UNFAIR! I WAS GETTING READY!”
Harley: “Unfair? Equity isn’t for those who sleep on their rights beyotch! Poopy couldn’t wait.”

I clean up the bullshit surprise and then put Harley’s leash on. He gives me a look like, “What’s that for? I’ve already relieved myself.”

Me: “I am not going to be the only one going outside in this plague weather!”
Harley: “But it’s coooold and wet!”
Me: “MY POINT EXACTLY!”

Five minutes later we are on the corner of the block and I’m trying to explain to Harley how he cannot both wake me up at an ungodly hour AND sass me for the crappy weather. My glares/mental rant are interrupted when I see Mel on the corner of the street.
I haven’t seen Mel since this summer. But tonight she was working the street – without an umbrella – standing on the corner looking wet and miserable.

Prostitutes on my block were everywhere this summer, but most of them had enough sense to take their work inside once the weather started to turn. But not Mel! Rain or shine, Mel is always in business. She’s on that USPS level.

I give Mel a look like “it’s time to invest in an umbrella or reconsider your career choices.”

She glares.
The dog snorts at her and we walk off.

Minneapolis-St. Paul / Take Three

Seagulls in Minnesota?

October 13, 2009

One morning during orientation training, I was surprised to find a turkey meandering outside of the law school. I didn’t trust my eyes, so I dragged one of the other orientation leaders over to the window to see if, in fact, had lost it.

The other orientation leader (who is from Minnesota) calmly informed me that Minnesota has wild turkeys and that this particular turkey was known to hang around the law school.

I am used to alligators, but somehow still fascinated by the thought of a wild turkey roaming around campus.

Okay, so Minnesota has wild turkeys…and very cold looking seagulls:

Minneapolis-St. Paul / the details

Smith Hall’s Laterns

October 13, 2009

I love the old buildings in the mall area of the East Bank of campus.

Smith Hall, like most buildings on that side of campus, has really ornate lanterns in front of it.

Here are some pictures of the details: