Crunkcycle

It’s 3am, and there is one car in front of me at the Taco Bell drive-thru line.

At the ordering-menu is a greasy-looking guy on a bicycle. He’s drunk.

Biker: “Ay ay, I wanna an enchilada!”
Taco Bell Employee (on the menu speakerphone): “Um, sir. We can’t serve you if you’re not in a car.”
Biker: “Ay ay enchilada! And a hard shell ta-co.”
Employee: “Sir. We can’t serve you.”
Biker: “WHAT?”

The people in the car in front of me start giggling nervously. A woman says “Oh no!” in a car behind me.

Biker: “Whadda mean you can’t serve me! I could just get in one of these cars! What’s the difference!?”
Employee: “Like anyone would let you in their car…”
Biker: “WHAT WAS THAT?”
Employee: “Nothing. We only serve guests in vehicles. Please exit the drive-thru.”

The biker picked up his bike, set it on the sidewalk, and then starts circling the Taco Bell, screaming, like a flying monkey from the Wizard of Oz.

He was still swooping and screaming when it was my turn to order…

The next day I felt inspired to bike. So I took my bicycle and cycled towards the midtown greenway – a below-grade bike trial that follows a railroad right-of-way through the city.

As I follow the bike trail out of the city, the trail shifts from an urban-concrete enclosed trail to a densely wooded one.

I started biking at 8:30pm, so it is pitch black when I am about 5 miles outside of the city.

I have my “oh shit” moment and turn back towards Minneapolis. It’s really dark and my bicycle lights do not work. I think about how I can fight off the serial killers and rabid possums that are surely lurking among the bushes… but of course serial killers and possums weren’t the problem.

Because the bike trail is not lit¹ that far outside of the city, I heard the drunkard before I saw him. I’m distracted by a text message when I hear a “HOOTY HOO!”

I look up, and this Jeff Foxworthy lookalike is biking right towards me. He’s crunk for jesus and keeps screaming: “HAR HAR HOOTY HOO!”

I swerve to avoid the Pitbull-beer-disaster and then book it back to Minneapolis. I didn’t have to worry about Jeffrey giving chase since he was too wasted to change direction on the bike path.

Next time I bike I’ll leave earlier, and be better prepared.

¹ I had bike lights, but the batteries died. I suspect they turned on while in my backpack and drained.