Obesity and the doughnut flop

Morbid obesity came around this morning.

Morbid Obesity: “Knock, knock!”
Me: “Who is it?”
Morbid Obesity: “Morbid obesity is a-knocking.”
Me: “I AM NOT HOME!”
Morbid Obesity: “Oh the hell you aren’t! I can hear them jelly rolls jiggling behind the curtains! Precious!”
Me: “Fine. But you are out of my life. Love don’t live here no more!”
Morbid Obesity: “That’s not what your bellah told me.”
Me: “I am working on it!”
Morbid Obesity: “Oh the hell you are! Between the record-breaking heat and the rain, you haven’t done cardio in FOUR DAYS!”
Me: “Today is the day!”
Morbid Obesity: “…for muffin top!”
Me: “GET OFF MY PROPERTY! I AM CALLING THE COPS!”

So to spite morbid obesity, I skated 12 miles around the lakes after work today.  Thelakes are fabulous . There were the usual picnickers, swimmers, cute babies, studs, and concerts…

…but the best thing about today’s skate was the divers at the Lake of the Isles:




One of the divers was a bit heavier than the others, and he didn’t know how jump properly so he pancaked on the water. As he flailed about, the black woman watching screamed, “OH SHIT! THAT IS A DOUGHNUT FLOP!”


I ran into Doughnut as I skated off. Doughnut showed me his arm, which was painfully red. Doughnut said he was fine, but his arm really looked like crap.

I however, was not fine. I need to reconsider flipping through my blackberry’s Pandora Radio channels while skating because five minutes later I totally ate a tree limb, spun around with my glasses flying in the air, and was almost creamed by two bikers. They laughed and I pretended not to soil-myself.

Then came the moment of panic when I could not find my offensively overpriced Burberry glasses, but they miraculously landed on the grass, unharmed.  Massive win.