Memos and Mirth

Small victories & the Hunchback

December 5, 2009

I spent most of the day with the tax outline.

Finals preparation comes with a sense of accomplishment that is absent from everyday class reading. I love the periodic realization that a topic confusing in class suddenly makes sense! It’s like:

My tax preparation is an advent calendar of these small victories.¹

I spent the majority of the semester lost and overwhelmed with information and expected not to remember anything from the beginning of the semester. But it turns out that the topics built on each other, so the early material was ingrained in me throughout the semester. Glensaw Glass, Old Colony Trust, Hickman, … I get it, I think. Maybe. We’ll see…

I also spent some time at work today. During a break, I had a phone conversation with the boyfriend. I think he understands that the next 17 days determine my grades for the semester and that I’ll shower when it’s over.²

But until then, I am in that unapologetic, self-involved, hermit mode called “law student during finals.”

The boyfriend claims to understand and says he’s supportive, but I suspect he’s thinking: “Crap. I’m dating a hunchback.”

That’s actually a reference to Transylmania, a slapstick horror comedy we saw last night. The movie has a huge cast of characters, including a hot Romanian girl who seduces a guy online, but neglects to tell him about her hideous, veiny, hunchback.

That sums up the situation.

The neglect has an end date (Dec. 22nd!) and I’m sure everything’s gonna be alright.

dogs / Take Three

Harley on Conlaw

December 4, 2009

Harley’s face sums up his feelings about Conlaw:

humor / overheard

Amber’s fashion sense

December 3, 2009

Woman working at desk, by Bench Accounting via Unsplash

Amber does not appreciate the fashion sense of one of her classmates, Zeb.

Zeb is a 2L at Amber’s law school and is about my weight – not obese, but too big to wear skinny pants and man leggings.

Amber: “So I’ve seen his ridiculous snow boots and I’ve seen the skinny pants. But what amazes me is that I’ve never seen Zeb repeat an outfit! So he has a huge closet full of clothes and EVERY SINGLE PIECE is ill-fitting and inappropriate.”

See also:

Life

Chucking the Pizza

December 3, 2009

2 large pizzas for $20. It was a great deal.

At 2 slices per meal, that meant I was buying ten, easily microwavable $2 meals. Holler! …or not – I have never felt sicker in the past few days.

This week of unpleasantness started on Monday, when I bought a McFlurry. I have been drinking lactose free milk because it keeps longer, and I don’t know if one loses lactose tolerance or what is going on…but that McFlurry did not sit well.

So, fresh off my McFlurry queasiness, I decide to order these pizzas, and it was like going from Afghanistan to Iraq.

In addition to my minimal lactose intake, I also have a small wheat intake. I have not bought breads, chips, crackers, or cereal lately because I find that these turn me into a compulsive eater – where’d those Pringles go? So I don’t know if it’s the lack grease and wheat in my diet or just plain old nasty Pizza Hut…but the pizza is a disaster and needs to go.

That pizza has put me through such hell that I would burn it in the parking lot if there was any way to convince the cops that I wasn’t a law student who snapped. I am also not giving the pizza to Harley, because I guarantee I’ll have to clean up the aftermath in the kennel tomorrow.

So I am chucking the pizza, and officially avoiding lactose and wheat.

Law School / on the record

Wonton disregard

December 2, 2009

Rainy day in Washington D.C.'s Chinatown.

Hunger kicked in during the middle of Jack’s answer in Employment Law:

Jack: “I think it’s reasonable because the employee’s actions don’t show wonton disregard… wonton? Wanton?”
Professor I: “Wanton. Wonton is the Chinese restaurant.”
Jack: “It’s almost lunch time!”

More from Employment Law:

Miami / pictures

Allapattah revisited

December 2, 2009

Pictures of Allapattah neighborhood in Miami

When I first moved to Miami, I lived on the border of the Allapattah neighborhood. Most of the pictures below are from the neighborhood’s fashion district, 20th street, or Bootleg Boulevard, where you can find quality stores like Hyundai and D’or fashions.

The pictures are from last winter break, when my mother and I went on an epic quest to find a Bucci bag. We finally opted for a Kenneth Cole briefcase from the Dolphin Mall. Little did we know that Kenneth Cole bags are known for promptly falling apart.

I now rock a frumpy (but sturdier) Tumi. But I had a very nice briefcase for second semester of 1L year.

: Pictures of Allapattah neighborhood in Miami

I believe that the last few pictures are of the PacSun at Miami’s International Mall, which randomly had a surf simulator.

RSS/Facebook readers: click here if you cannot see the gallery, or if the images do not link to larger files.

2L Fall / dogs / Life

Around the Isles

December 1, 2009

I was exhausted after school today, so Harley and I took a nap after the afternoon walk.

I woke up to snoring around 7:30pm. I forgot that Harley was the one sleeping next to me, so when I turned to tell Joel that he was snoring too loudly, I was greeted by a smiling bullmastiff mug, which promptly blew snot all over my face. Bleh.

Harley and I walked around Lake of the Isles tonight.

Some of the mansions around the lake have gaudy holiday displays that have beautiful reflections on the lake. The walk was unusual because it was cloudless and oddly quiet due to the lack of screaming children and intense middle-aged runners. The lake surface was still except for when we were approached by a flock of shadowed geese that glided towards us like a little army of Loch ness monsters.

Harley saw the geese and did his imposing, big-dog “Imma eat all y’all” stance.

The geese said “nevermind” and floated back into the darkness.

After the walk, I sat down and finished the reading for tomorrow. I always do my tax law reading first. Tax is typically the longest and most difficult assignment I have – and it makes all of the other assignments read like James Patterson novels minus the dramatic cliffhangers.

Tomorrow’s lunch period needs to be ultra productive because I am going to try to make it to Trivia night in St. Paul. Our team is called “Beauty and the Beasts” and we came in second place last week despite only having three people:

We’ll see how we do tomorrow.

dogs / the details / video

Squirrel expletives

November 30, 2009

There is nothing unusual about my dog chasing a squirrel up a tree, but this squirrel didn’t see Harley until he was about 2 feet away and flipped-the-heck-out.

The squirrel darted up the tree and glared. Harley just stared up at it like, “is it that serious?”

The squirrel then began making this weird bird-like noise:

Probably squirrel expletives.

Harley listens better when he’s not leashed – I’ve called him off squirrels and cats.

The one big problem we have is geese. Everytime I walk Harley around Calhoun I have to pull the leash with both hands to keep him off the geese.

I think it’s because they are big, loud, and don’t go away – they just loom around like “I’m here! Try me! I taste like chicken!”

dogs / Uptown Apartment

Glass, bleach, and the mouse

November 29, 2009

Harley was excited to see me after work today. I let him out of the kennel and his tail launched a candle from a coffee table. Glass shards rained over the living room, and I was unamused.

I re-kenneled the dog and cleaned up the mess. I then let Harley out and he followed me to kitchen, to throw away the shards.

Harley’s tail caused more chaos in the kitchen when he knocked over a bottle of bleach. I shoved the dog out the kitchen and tried to control the chlorox typhoon. I stripped my clothes¹ and cleaned the mess wearing boxers and white flipflops.

I mopped the kitchen and then decided to clean the cabinet under the sink. I first removed the 40lb bag of dog food, not noticing the little hole nibbled in the corner, and then reached for a blue IKEA bag.² I lifted the bag AND A MOUSE FLEW OUT OF IT!

I screamed, then roared. The mouse landed in the corner and somersaulted behind the stove.

I was livid. This mouse was going down and it was on like donkey kong!

What was followed was 30 minutes of me attempting to trap the mouse while not slipping on the bleach-soaked floor… all in boxers and flipflops. All that was missing was the Tom and Jerry sound effects.

I eventually gave up, but luckily, I bought poison mouse food blocks on tonight’s Wal-Mart trip. Anything remotely edible in my kitchen is now in a glass or plastic container. The poison is out. This mouse is going down. I just hope I don’t have to smell rotting mouse in the morning…

¹ I have too many bleach spots on clothes not to do this.
² The supposedly green bags… the only problem is I NEVER remember to bring the bag and end up buying a new one every trip…

2L Fall / 2L Fall Finals

MacGyver and the art of ass busting.

November 28, 2009

It is easy to fall into a funk during finals.

Joel and I had a conversation about law school on the way home from Thanksgiving dinner. It was a familiar whine-fest and the gist was:
“It’s funny how law schools don’t tell prospective students how irrelevant “prestige” is or how shitty our employment prospects are. This is something you realize halfway through, when you’re stuck.”
I felt like a student who found out his online technical college wasn’t accredited. This was an expensive waste of time. Shitty-shitty-bang-bang, wah-wah-wah. The whining and apathy probably wasn’t easy to listen to, but luckily Joel couldn’t figure out a good way to kick me out of the car at the nearest bus stop.

I try to take the dog on at least one 5 mile walk every day during the few hours of winter daylight. These extended walks are perfect for thinking things through. During today’s walk I reminded myself of why I chose to go to UMN and not a free school:

Prestige does matter. The arbitrary rankings create a very real pecking order and stigmatize students from poorly ranked schools. When I run into a student who goes to Bumble Law School I am reminded of the sweeping sense of inferiority I felt as an undergrad at the University of Miami. The most important part of being at a (relatively) prestigious school is not wondering “what if?”
The cliché is misstated, but the gist true. You can’t really do anything with a law degree, but the most important thing that is taught in law school is the art of ass busting.¹ My job prospects as a BA in English and History only involved an espresso machine or a price scanner. I may still end up working with espresso machines or price scanners, but the difference is the work ethic and professionalism I have acquired in law school will allow me to advance quickly in whatever company I end up in. ²

The ass busting skill is the most vital one to develop in law school. Most of the other stuff is superficial and unspeakably irrelevant in the real world.

I am MacGyver, and I attend a school of MacGyvers.

This is exactly why this is going to be a stress-free finals season – it’s not about the grade, but about working hard and learning the material. The point is not being able to make a rocket out of a ballpoint pen and a paper clip better than the next guy, but to be able to make the rocket out of the ballpoint pen. Once we get outside of the McGuiver academy we can use our skills in the real world, and good things will happen.³

¹ Work hard, smart, and crushing the competition with a smile. One of the best ways to teach people to work hard is to find the smartest students and grade them on a curve. Even the C student in that situation knows how to bust his (or her) ass, and will be fine in the real world. This is why the vast majority of UMN students pass the bar, and go on to succeed in a variety of random career fields.
² What is outrageous is that one of my orientation speakers told me this last year – she said that the point of law school is not the perfect grades, the journal position, or national ABA moot court team – the point is to learn how to work hard and graduate. I guess I just had to come to that conclusion myself…
³ Method vs. result… akin to the true athlete and the person who ruins their health for the temporary beach body.

dogs / Take Three

Pout

November 26, 2009

Harley practicing his pout:

Minneapolis-St. Paul / Whittier / Uptown Minneapolis

Tomorrow, I clean my closets.

November 25, 2009

The goons are out in the neighborhood tonight.

Harley and I were a few blocks away from my apartment, turning a corner, when I heard a gunshot.

I stood still, watched the street, and had two thoughts:

Shit. My closets are a mess! If I get shot again my mother is going to fly up, and get buried under an avalanche of laundry.
I wonder if I will feel myself fall or if the light will just click off.

After a moment I cautiously continued down the street. Everything was quiet. We were halfway down the block when another shot came from behind the houses. Harley looked up at me like “this is some bullshit.”

And it was.

Once I got to the end of the block, a sketchy guy wearing all black flew around the corner. He clutched something in his coat pocket. I avoided eye contact and kept Harley in a short leash.

Sketch turned into the alleyway, and I made my way to a busier street.

Tomorrow, I clean my closets.

Life / Minneapolis-St. Paul

The trash bin calls

November 25, 2009

Further evidence as to why I don’t text and drive – on the way to work today I almost smacked into an industrial sized trash bin that was rolling middle of the highway. It was on the top oart of a hill like an obstruction in Mario Kart.

I did a quick gasp/swerve combo and the person tailgating me did the same.

I then called 311 and got my daily dose of government inefficiency:

311 operator: “Minneapolis 311. How can we help?”
Me: “I’m driving eastbound on highway 62 and almost hit an industrial trash can rolling in the middle of the road. Could you send someone to remove it?”
311 operator: “You’ll have to call 911 for that and tell them to remove it.”
Me: “Okay.”

So I called 911.

911 operator: “911.”
Me: “Uh, hi. I was driving down eastbound highway 62 and almost hit an industrial trash can rolling in the middle of the road. Could you send someone to remove it?”
911 operator: “You’ll have to call highway patrol for that and tell them to remove it.”
Me: “Okay.”

So I was transferred to highway patrol, and about 10 miles away from the trash bin at this point.

Highway Patrol dispatcher: “Highway Patrol.”
Me: “Uh, hi. I was –“
911 operator (cutting in): “Yes we have an obstruction on highway 62 eastbound near 32nd Avenue.”
Me: “Huh?”
Highway Patrol dispatcher: “Before the overpass?”
Me (Wondering if I should be part of this convo): “Well, uh –”
911 operator: “Yes.”
Highway Patrol dispatcher: “What’s going on?”
Me: “Uh, I was driving down eastbound highway 62 and almost hit an industrial trash can rolling in the middle of the road.”
Highway Patrol dispatcher: “We’ll send someone right out!”
Me: “Thanks…”

2L Fall / dogs / Joel / Law School

Firemen, Tax Law, and the Great wall of Turkey

November 25, 2009

This morning the dog woke me up shortly before 7am like “It’s poopy time! Take me out or suffer!”

We were walking down the street within three minutes because I still regret the last time I made him wait.

In my hurry to get him outside I didn’t do any hair or teeth brushing, so the dog peed on poles as I tried to light the poles on fire with my morning dragon breath. It was like a blow-torch of funk.

7am is the best time to walk the dog because all of the school children are at the bus tops. The Somali girls are afraid of the dog but the Mexican boys love him.

We got to the end of the block when two huge fire trucks swung onto the street and stopped right in front of us. I was suddenly floodlit and I couldn’t decide whether to bust out with “RING THE ALARM” or not.

The firemen stepped out of the truck like “welcome to the gunshow” in such an annoyed, unhurried way that I could tell this was a response some old lady who fell and called the fire department through her life alert. Apparently my dragon breath didn’t lite anything on fire after all…

One hour later I was in Tax law. This week’s topic is like-kind exchanges and I was so unspeakably confused that I didn’t even know how to articulate my confusion.

I spent the last 10 minutes of class hunched over, flustered, and staring hopelessly at the problems the professor was whizzing through on the board. What the…

I have never felt so confused in law school. I was so flustered that I skipped Employment law, went home, and walked the dog. I was too disoriented to pay attention in employment law, so it will have to wait until after the break.

After today’s second dog walk, I went to the Mall of America. I have not been to the mall in a long time and had forgotten how ridiculous the mall is: blaring music, bitchy sales clerks, and ridiculous ads. I felt like Zoolander would pop around the corner any second and strike a pose.

I was at the mall because I needed to go to LensCrafters for a contact fitting. I lost my glasses this weekend at the Saloon, so I figured prescription contacts are a safer (and cheaper) alternative. On the way out of the mall, I smelled a Hollister store from five stores away and remembered that I was out of cologne.

Hollister seemed full of bored teenage employees until I actually needed a cashier. Nevermind that I didn’t just walk out of the store and actually hunted down a cashier down to purchase a $40 bottle of cologne… He didn’t say a word to me and barely made eye contact, but I wasn’t going to lecture the 16 year old on good customer service because he obviously hated his job and not making commission.

So I was drenched in the Hollister cologne when I walked into work shortly thereafter. It was hard to get into the building today because the great wall of turkey blocked the building’s entryway.

My company gives out turkeys to its 7,000-odd employees. The frozen turkeys were in big white boxes that were trucked in and stacked on giant pallets. There was a solid 6 foot wall of turkey boxes which I had to walk around to get to work.

I picked up my turkey on the way home. It’s in the freezer now. I’ll figure THAT disaster later.

I was only home briefly to drop off the turkey before turning around and going to Innuendo for Trivia Night with Joel and Kurt. We came in second place to this overly intense group of regulars. The win of the night was coaxing Jake the Trivia Host to play the Halle Berry. Aye!

My only class tomorrow is Tax, and I hope it’s not as awful as today… unrealistic expectations?

Miami / pictures

Little Havana Revisited

November 24, 2009

Our first apartment in Miami was on the north side of the Miami river. Although we technically lived in Allahpattah, we were directly across from Little Havana.

My mother moved to a different apartment building when I was in college, but she still lives on the river near East Little Havana, which is one of the most densely populated areas of Miami.

Little Havana feels like South America. Virtually everything is in Spanish. The streets are lined with mom-and-pop discount stores and botanicas. There are café con leche counters, chickens on the road, and the constant sound of reggaeton, salsa, and house music blaring from cars.

One thing about the chickens: there is a very active Santeria community in Little Havana, so on high holy days there was always a problem of headless chickens and goats strewn about the place after the animal sacrifices.

…and I never figured out what they did with the chicken’s heads.

Below are some pictures from last year’s winter trip to Miami. The pictures are of the Calle Ocho area and downtown Miami. They were originally posted on facebook, but the gallery link has since expired. Facebook/RSS readers: click here to view the gallery. The images link to larger files.

2L Fall

Professor A’s motive

November 23, 2009

If my tax professor is anything, he is honest:

Professor A: I am forcing you guys to learn about like-kind exchanges for three reasons:

I had to learn it, and if it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for you.
It’s just torture, and I just enjoy seeing everyone squirm!
I think it’s important, whether or not you take any other tax classes, to have some exposure to a tax-free transaction licensed and approved by the tax code.

Biscayne Bay revisted

November 23, 2009

These are pictures of the Biscayne Bay area of Miami. Some of the images are also from South Beach. Click on the images to see larger files.

: Pictures of the Biscayne Bay area of Miami.

2L Fall Summaries / Law School

Fret, Tension, & Gladiators: Best Week Ever 12

November 22, 2009

Amber fretted about finals at work today:

Amber: I am not looking forward to my week. You’d think I wouldn’t be so stressed out about a two-day week, but this is sort of the last breath of freedom before finals – but only, it’s NOT a fresh breath because I have commitments with NORMAL people who do not understand the madness that law students have to go through.

What makes law school finals stressful is not the material, but the curve. Our grades are not based on what we know, but on how much more we know than our equally-competent¹ peers.

There are miserable students live in the library during November. Most of us don’t want to become that goonish, vampire-like study-carrel dweller, but we all want to do well.
This is why finals season feels like a SAW sequel: how much are you willing to give to stay alive? An arm? A leg? Your right toe? Dum dum dum…
A lot of us are saying “fuck it.” The job market is too slim to ruin our health and social lives for an arbitrary grade. It is more important to just learn the material as best we can and retain sanity.

This week was busy even without the unnecessary finals panic. There was the crushing weekly reading, work, and an oral argument that almost did not happen.

I have to work on my Vanna White smile for class. Some of my classmates are getting exponentially more inappropriate as the semester progresses and it’s hard not to glare.
There is one girl in particular who asks such amazingly off-topic questions that it will shock NO ONE when she raises her hand one day and asks:

Off-Topic Girl: “Professor, you were talking about x, and that reminds me – sorry if this outside of the scope of our class – but, what is the meaning of life? Can you speak to that?”

That’s going to happen before the end of the semester. Guaranteed.²

Aside from the circus that is school, I’ve spent my evenings and afternoons at work. And this weekend I went out on Friday and Saturday.

We started Friday at The Eagle’s happy hour, and then later that night went to The Saloon. On Saturday we went to this gladiator-themed gay bar called Gladius. The bar tenders at Gladius wear these little leather gladiator-skirts…with running shoes… and there was a boy trying SO HARD to sell a tray of these red shots that looked exactly like DayQuil (in the DayQuil cup and everything!) Fail.

The music at Gladius was impressive, and we spent some serious boomkat time on the dancefloor.³ The party continued at The Saloon, where I managed to get my glasses stolen.

The Saloon has a heater right above the dancefloor, so Eric and I took off our blazers and put them on a speaker. My overpriced plastic frame glasses were too light and kept slipping, so I set them on my blazer.

When I picked up the blazer the glasses were gone. Dum dum dum. Angela Lansbury had already gone to bed, so that case went cold pretty quickly.

I’m going into for a contacts fitting on Tuesday. I figure contacts are a more practical investment than another pair of lose-able/steal-able glasses.

I only have class on Monday and Tuesday this week, and nothing but Tax Law on Wednesday. The rest of the week will be spent working and outlining full time, but hopefully a little less stressful than Amber’s week.

¹ And it’s really a shitshow at UMN law, where the 98/99% bar passage rate means that even the people with the lowest GPAs are competent enough to practice law.
² Minnesota nice has gone out the window. Sure, off-topic girl is annoying, but a lot of people are just downright bitter. If I can hear the bitchy comment from two rows away, or read it on gchat screen on a nearby laptop, then off-topic girl will find out eventually.
³ Will and I were the only ones on the dancefloor, because Joel and Eric were too busy socializing. And no, although some minimal voguing was done, there were drops or duckwalks.

dogs / Whittier / Uptown Minneapolis

Chubby Grace makes an observation

November 22, 2009

I ran into The Graces this morning.

The Graces are my neighborhood’s shockingly inappropriate trio of women. The Graces are like Matryoshka dolls: one is obese, another is chubby, and one is normal-sized.

I walked by the Graces on this morning’s dog walk. It’s 10am and the Graces are sitting on a retention wall passing a bottle of liquor¹ when Chubby Grace spots my dog:

Chubby Grace: “Dog!”
Normal Grace: “Yes. A dog.”
Chubby Grace: “That’s a big dog.”
Obese Grace: “Sure is! Tee hee hee!”
Chubby Grace: “And the dog has an asshole!”

Obese and Normal Grace are occupied with the bottle.

Chubby Grace is transfixed on my dog’s butt.

I am uncomfortable.

Me: “Hm. I don’t know how to respond to that….but …have a great day!”

Harley and I scamper off, leaving the Graces with their bottle.

What the hell neighborhood. What. The. Hell.

¹ Yes, at 10am on a Sunday. And this is odd because the bottle was in a brown bag and the liquor stores are closed on Sundays.

Just Sayin / Law School

Why I rock pink

November 21, 2009

I don’t understand the point of these University of Minnesota crime alerts. The theme seems to be: “Young-ish black men wearing dark clothes mugged someone. Watchout.”

I’m sure the police are frustrated when the only description they get is “I dunno. It was a black dude. Youngish… dark clothes.” – but passing that unhelpful description on to the student body probably sends one message: “If you see a young black male: be very afraid!”

This is why I rock pink.

Here’s today’s crime alert:

On Thursday, November 19 at approximately 6:30 p.m., a 21-year-old University of Minnesota student was the victim of an armed robbery near Marcy Park, off campus in the Dinkytown neighborhood.
The victim was at the intersection of 7th Street SE and 11th Avenue SE when he was approached by two males. One of the suspects pointed a silver handgun at the victim and ordered him to the ground. While the victim was on the ground, the suspects took his backpack and ran south-bound from 7th Avenue SE in between 10th and 11th Avenue SE. The victim was not injured.
The first suspect is described as a black male between 20 and 30 years of age, approximately six feet, two inches tall with a medium build. The suspect was wearing a baggy black hooded sweatshirt with the hood pulled up and black baggy jeans. The suspect held the sliver handgun in his left hand.
The second suspect is described as a black male between 20 and 30 years of age, approximately five feet, eight inches tall with a medium build. The suspect wore glasses and had short black curly hair, and was wearing a dark hooded sweatshirt and dark pants.