The hilarity continues

I’ll write about the rest of orientation later, probably tomorrow, but first, some quick hilarity from the past few days:

First, at Starbucks:
Me: “May I have a venti passion iced-tea unsweeted please?”
Starbucks girl: Sure!
Old guy next to me (blank stare): You speak Starbucks! What the hell did you order?
Then, today I ordered a latte at Caribou, a Starbucks competitor. The Caribou guy makes my latte, grimaces, and then takes it to an electronic scale.

Caribou guy #2 comes out and asks what the problem is.
Caribou guy #1: How much is a large latte supposed to weigh?
Me (to myself, in shock): You are not serious.
Caribou guy #2: Let’s look at the chart!
#2 pulls out a complete index of the proper weights of beverages and Caribou guys begin a deep discussion on the proper weight of a latte. After a few minutes Caribou guy #1 exclaims that he HAS to remake my latte.
Caribou guy #1: This is unacceptable. I have to redo this.
Me: Really, it’s not that serious.
Caribou guy #1: It’s the WRONG WEIGHT! This is more of a cappuccino than a latte!
Me: Erm… I’m still shocked that you guys actually weigh your drinks.
Caribou guy #1: Yes! Of course! And it’s the WRONG weight! This has TOO MUCH FROTH! It’s waaay more a cappuccino than a latte!
Me: Uh, what’s the difference exactly?
Caribou guy #1: A cappuccino has more foam and less milk. It’s slightly more bitter too.
Me: It’s not that serious. I’m fine with the drink you made, SERIOUSLY do not make another one.
This would not do. He scooped out the foam and added more milk. He almost weighed the drink again but I shot a strategic “don’t you DARE” look.
Caribou guy #1: It’s still too much of a cappuccino.
Me (tasting the drink): This is how Starbucks makes them.
Caribou guy #1 actually GASPS, and shouts: BUT STARBUCKS SUCKS!
I did a full, wide eyed wtf-look. There was a split second of pure, unpasteurized awkward, and then I told him to have a good day. Yikes.

And the final bit of hilarity also happened today, when I called my mother.
Me (in German): Hey mom, how are you?
Madre (in English, with shouts in the background): IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT!
Me: W-What?
Madre: IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT HERE! OH MY GOD!
Me: Like, it smells bad? Or does it literally smell like feces?
Madre: POOP! IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT! My neighbor started scrubbing but it’s not quick enough…OH MY GOD IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT! The whole apartment building is out here cleaning! The entire back balcony smells like shit! I think I know who it is too…this lady from downstairs has a cat and it probably got sick or something … (more shouts in the background) I HAVE TO GO!
Click.

While that was a new one… madre DOES still live in Miami. Updates on Poop-Spill 2008 later.