caribou Archives - Memos and Mirth

Morbid obesity is knocking

July 31, 2009

Jill and I took a break from work and went to Caribou:
Me: “I have all this fruit at my desk…”
Jill: “…and?”
Me: “…and I’m eyeing the banana nut bread.”
Jill: “Well it is reduced fat!”
Me: “Yeah, but not reduced enough!”
Me (to the Barista): “May I have a large dark roast with room?”
Barista: “And?”
Jill: “Get the banana nut bread!”
Barista: “Yes! Get the banana bread. It’s delicious.”
Me: “No! Morbid obesity is knocking and I am not answering! Just the coffee please! God, I feel like my disc is herniating¹ or something…”
Jill: “You sound like an old person applying for SSI.”
We comprised with me trying one of the free pastries, but I stuck to my guns.

¹ We deal with a lot of petitions for social security disability insurance benefits and supplemental security income, and the stereotype is an overweight claimant with a herniated disc and a fibromyalgia.

Law School – 1L

Yes, six.

April 10, 2009

So I walk up to the Caribou counter,
Me: “May I have a large dark roast with room for cream?”
Barista: “Sure, anything else?”
Me (pulling out tumbler): “Yes, may I have a latte with six shots of espresso in the tumbler?”
Barista (gasping): “You want what?”
Me: “A latte with six shots.”
Barista: “How many?”
Me: “Six.”
Barista: “Six?”
Me: “Yes. Six. I basically want you to fill up this tumbler with espresso and put a dash of milk on top for show.”
The cashier-Barista gives me a filthy look and then puts the order in. There was another Barista who was making the drinks. The drink-maker looked at her order screen and gasped.
Drink-Barista: “He wants what?”
Cashier-Barista (calling over): “Six shots.”
Drink-Barista: “Six shots?!”
Cashier-Barista: “Yes.”
Drink-Barista: “Of espresso?”
Me: “Yes. Of espresso. Don’t judge.”
And no, I’m not crazy.

My new tumbler¹ actually keeps beverages hot. Plus, milk at my job is free.²

So the purpose of getting a 6-shot latte for the tumbler and a normal cup filled with coffee is that I can make lattes on my own without having to run back to the store throughout the night. So it’s really only like order 3 lattes over a 6 hour period… which isn’t that bad. Or so I tell myself…

¹ This is my new tumbler. My old Starbucks tumbler was horrible. It constantly spit out liquid even when “shut.” It was like coffee volcano.
² The cafeteria has those lift-the-lever dispensers.

Law School – 1L

Java City Boycott

February 14, 2009

The University of Minnesota has a fairly good selection of coffee shops: 3 Dunn Brothers, 2 Starbucks, 2 Java City stores, Einstein Bros, and various campus convenience stores.

I refuse to go to the Java City cafes. I started boycotting Java City because of the bitchy anti-Starbucks comments from the baristas. They see my tumbler and start brewing the hateraid:

I give my tumbler to the Java City baristas and hear:
“Ew, Starbucks! Gross! When are you going to get a Java City tumbler?”
Um, excuse me? Do they even make Java City tumblers? That’s like rocking a Ross T-shirt…

Java City is the Cooley Law School of coffee shops. Java City is what university dining services uses when it can’t attract a real coffee franchise. That’s right. The Java City baristas aren’t even Java City employees*, and yet they bitch about my Starbucks tumbler. Pfft!

Besides, the constant tumbler comments are simply bad customer service. You don’t have a tip jar because it would hurt your feelings…

Hence the boycott – I refuse to accept snark from bootleg foot court baristas who can be transferred to Panda Express tomorrow. I’m taking my money to a real coffee shop**.

*They work for University Dining Services (UDS).

** I also really like the off campus Dunn Brothers and Caribou Coffee… the neighborhood Caribou shut down though…

legal humor / Life

The hilarity continues

August 30, 2008

I’ll write about the rest of orientation later, probably tomorrow, but first, some quick hilarity from the past few days:

First, at Starbucks:
Me: “May I have a venti passion iced-tea unsweeted please?”
Starbucks girl: Sure!
Old guy next to me (blank stare): You speak Starbucks! What the hell did you order?
Then, today I ordered a latte at Caribou, a Starbucks competitor. The Caribou guy makes my latte, grimaces, and then takes it to an electronic scale.

Caribou guy #2 comes out and asks what the problem is.
Caribou guy #1: How much is a large latte supposed to weigh?
Me (to myself, in shock): You are not serious.
Caribou guy #2: Let’s look at the chart!
#2 pulls out a complete index of the proper weights of beverages and Caribou guys begin a deep discussion on the proper weight of a latte. After a few minutes Caribou guy #1 exclaims that he HAS to remake my latte.
Caribou guy #1: This is unacceptable. I have to redo this.
Me: Really, it’s not that serious.
Caribou guy #1: It’s the WRONG WEIGHT! This is more of a cappuccino than a latte!
Me: Erm… I’m still shocked that you guys actually weigh your drinks.
Caribou guy #1: Yes! Of course! And it’s the WRONG weight! This has TOO MUCH FROTH! It’s waaay more a cappuccino than a latte!
Me: Uh, what’s the difference exactly?
Caribou guy #1: A cappuccino has more foam and less milk. It’s slightly more bitter too.
Me: It’s not that serious. I’m fine with the drink you made, SERIOUSLY do not make another one.
This would not do. He scooped out the foam and added more milk. He almost weighed the drink again but I shot a strategic “don’t you DARE” look.
Caribou guy #1: It’s still too much of a cappuccino.
Me (tasting the drink): This is how Starbucks makes them.
Caribou guy #1 actually GASPS, and shouts: BUT STARBUCKS SUCKS!
I did a full, wide eyed wtf-look. There was a split second of pure, unpasteurized awkward, and then I told him to have a good day. Yikes.

And the final bit of hilarity also happened today, when I called my mother.
Me (in German): Hey mom, how are you?
Madre (in English, with shouts in the background): IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT!
Me: W-What?
Madre: IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT HERE! OH MY GOD!
Me: Like, it smells bad? Or does it literally smell like feces?
Madre: POOP! IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT! My neighbor started scrubbing but it’s not quick enough…OH MY GOD IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT! The whole apartment building is out here cleaning! The entire back balcony smells like shit! I think I know who it is too…this lady from downstairs has a cat and it probably got sick or something … (more shouts in the background) I HAVE TO GO!
Click.

While that was a new one… madre DOES still live in Miami. Updates on Poop-Spill 2008 later.