Some people asked why I refer to the Uptown Dunn Brothers Café as “the brothel.”
Well, the café isn’t a brothel, but apparently there was one upstairs.
I mentioned the café before because of the odd naked mannequin in the back:
Some people asked why I refer to the Uptown Dunn Brothers Café as “the brothel.”
Well, the café isn’t a brothel, but apparently there was one upstairs.
I mentioned the café before because of the odd naked mannequin in the back:
She’s from finals, but I forgot to post the picture here:
I am so glad that one of my coworkers is at Dunn Brothers tonight. Now I am not the only witness to the batshit-crazy going on the corner.
There is a bloated, 15-person group in the corner which looks like a book club. Tonight’s theme is “outsiders and specialness” and the conversation contains such gems as:
Middle Aged Lady: “Can I tell you guys something? When I was young I thought I was special. I thought was really special! I thought I was so special that I thought I would have a virgin birth! And it has taken me 55 years to realize I AM NOT SPECIAL. I AM NOT SPECIAL AT ALL!”
This is why I usually have a coffee tumbler:
I’ve been a coffee-soaked law student for over a year now, so I just shake off the dark roast from my copy of the tax code and I’m ready to go.
First, I had the mildly annoying situation of my coffee gift card reading as if there is only 31 cents on it when the online balance is $49. The balance should be about $93 because I put $44 on it yesterday… anyway, that is NOT the drama keeping me from my tax reading…
The drama was Flem, the crazy, coughing man who was speaking REALLY LOUDLY on his phone and engaging in total overshare. Here are some gems:
Flem: “I cough, and I cough, and I cough. I live in a homeless shelter with about 40 other men and I am the loudest cougher in there.”
Flem: “Wait, I have another call coming in…yes sir. Yes. Yes sir. Well let me put you on my reject list…”
Flem: “…and I was riding my bike, all 230 pounds of me, and I crashed on the sidewalk and cracked my rib…”
Flem: “I’m living with a bunch of negros. At the homeless shelter it’s all negros. And I’m not a fan of the blacks. And no, they can’t hear me – I’m on the white part of town.”
Flem: “Things are rough here in Minneapolis. I just sold my last food stamps for $30.”
Flem: “I am taking all my medications, I’m doing all the right things…I keep my pajamas and flipflops there, I have my own uh…”
Flem: “I keep thinking I’m dying of some incurable lung cancer because it hurts so much…”
So I am sitting here exchanging smirks with the people around me. I love that this man sold his last food stamps but had a working cellphone with a headset. One of the Baristas did not appreciate Flem’s black-comments and asked Flem to leave.
Barista: “Um, excuse me sir. Can you please leave? You are bothering customers.”
Flem: “Okay, I dig it. I dig it.”
Barista: “Uh, thank you.”
The Barista goes back behind the counter and Flem changes his mind and goes ape-shit:
Flem: “BUT WHAT ABOUT WHAT FREE SPEECH? IS THERE NO FUCKING FREE SPEECH AT DUNN BROTHERS?! HUH?”
Barista: “DUDE! Get out of here!”
Flem: “No! I will not get out of here! The police won’t come before I get here! Blacks are niggers! NIGGERS! I know because I live with them!”
Barista: “DUDE! Shut up and leave!”
Flem: “NO I WILL NOT LEAVE! I WILL STAND HERE! CRACK CULTURE SUCKS! BLACK CULTURE SUCKS! EVERYONE IN HERE IS WHITE!”
Flem turns up the volume. He’s throwing a full out fit. Everyone gasps. The scene is charged and totally awkward.
This man is literally standing in the doorway, head raised at the sky screaming like a toddler having a temper tantrum. This was ten types of crazy. Hello Minneapolis!
Flem eventually left. I am just glad I am by the back door so I can dash out when Flem comes back with a gun…
The University of Minnesota has a fairly good selection of coffee shops: 3 Dunn Brothers, 2 Starbucks, 2 Java City stores, Einstein Bros, and various campus convenience stores.
I refuse to go to the Java City cafes. I started boycotting Java City because of the bitchy anti-Starbucks comments from the baristas. They see my tumbler and start brewing the hateraid:
I give my tumbler to the Java City baristas and hear:
“Ew, Starbucks! Gross! When are you going to get a Java City tumbler?”
Um, excuse me? Do they even make Java City tumblers? That’s like rocking a Ross T-shirt…
Java City is the Cooley Law School of coffee shops. Java City is what university dining services uses when it can’t attract a real coffee franchise. That’s right. The Java City baristas aren’t even Java City employees*, and yet they bitch about my Starbucks tumbler. Pfft!
Besides, the constant tumbler comments are simply bad customer service. You don’t have a tip jar because it would hurt your feelings…
Hence the boycott – I refuse to accept snark from bootleg foot court baristas who can be transferred to Panda Express tomorrow. I’m taking my money to a real coffee shop**.
*They work for University Dining Services (UDS).
** I also really like the off campus Dunn Brothers and Caribou Coffee… the neighborhood Caribou shut down though…
Jamie and I had the opportunity to observe a very public, very awful first-date at the Freighthouse.
Here are the best quotes:
400-pound-man: “I got home and the Antique Roadshow was on, so of course I watched it until 6am!”
400-pound-man: “And I woke up the next day and was like: “WHO WAS THAT LITTLE GREEN GUY DRIVING THE CAR AND WHO CRAPPED ON MY LAWN!?”
Jamie grabs my laptop, opens MS Word and writes:
Jamie: This guy doesn’t shut up. I feel sorry for this girl. So far it has been determined- by me- that he is a drunk and trying too hard. I think she has completed three full sentences and one was about her coming home from work on Friday and having a bottle of wine.
Jamie (quoting the guy): “It’s not like I am a drunk, I am a social person that likes to have fun.” Definitely a first date- and if either of them had any standards it would be the last. He is so not self-monitoring.
Me (typing): And you thought the mall-cop was bad…
Me (typing): But seriously, they aren’t THAT entertaining to make up for what you’re losing in productivity…
Jamie (typing): Though the legal lady and these two are definitely making it all worthwhile!
Just had an odd exchange at the Pelli Library café.
Me: “May I have a large coffee with room for cream?”
Barista: “Sure. That’ll be $2 please.”
(I hand him my Roast Masters card)
Barista: “Does this have money on it?”
Me: “I hope so.”
Lady behind me (muttering): “Smartass.”
I turn around to find a squat woman smirking at me. I shoot a nasty glare and turn back to the (horrified) Barista, ignoring the commentator.
Barista: “Uh, here’s your card. It has $12 left on it.”
Me: “Thanks.”
Dunn Brothers’ Roast Masters card is a modern punch card. You get a free bag of beans or drink with every $40 you spend.
It’s also a gift card. I put money on it so my bank account isn’t littered with $2.09 coffee charges.
It’s slightly annoying when a Barista asks me if there’s money on the card. I’m not pulling out another card or cash…so, I hope there’s money on the Roast card because otherwise we have a problem…
Can you imagine being asked if there’s money on your debit card before it’s even swiped?