Although these apps can be entertaining, they are mostly just reminders about how terrible people are.
There are many creeps, bots, and boogeymen on gay dating apps, but the most confusing character is the guy who is genuinely confused about why people won’t chat with him before receiving a face picture.
I normally just block these clowns, but sometimes I do some #gaysplaining:
“Toast” is my descriptor for the type guy who has the same bland conversation with me repeatedly because he is interested but too scared of rejection to actually ask me out on a date. He greets me, asks about my weekend, comments on the weather, and then disappears for a few days only to repeat the same exchange next week. (The full list of characters is here.)
This guy’s timidity precludes me from asking him out because I know that the guy is likely to be dull (like toast) or at least way too self-conscious to date. The problem is that toast is polite enough that I can’t justify blocking him, so I play along and feed into this viciously dull cycle.
Being my Facebook friend allows toast to passively keep up with my life without fear of rejection. The more aggressive toast (dark bread) looms for weeks or even months. It never rots, and just gets very, very stale…and sometimes moldy.
One problem I have with OkCupid is that it has several options for passive communication. You can favorite, rate and wink at people and the site lets them know. For every message I get there are five pieces of toast who opt for the more passive ways of flirting (which rarely provoke a response from me.)
I feel like I’m in the toast factory. Can I get some jam?
“A guy walked up to me last night randomly and said the following: “I don’t think I’d know what to do if I were a black guy in this city. I mean no one really wants to date you guys from what I’ve seen. I don’t even date black guys and I think of myself as a pretty liberal person. That’s gotta be tough cause you’re a pretty cute guy” *sigh. seriously? FML”
That is hilarious because it is true.
Minneapolis is consistently ranked as one of the gayest cities in the U.S. and yet I am perpetually single.
These types of guys are why:
This guy is over-enthusiastic to the brink of stalkerdom, “Hi! Nice to meet you. I love your eyes! We should totally get married. What’s your name again?”
He fills up your Facebook inbox but acts completely bored when you hang out.
Am I talking to your assistant online?
He’s in love, as long as you are in front of him.
This guy is completely enamored in-person but takes a week to respond to a Facebook or text message.
He might need to borrow the E-Baller’s secretary.
Your jealous boyfriend…who isn’t your boyfriend.
This is the guy who claims he wants friendship but what he really wants is Ken – the boyfriend without the sex.
The faux-friend wants to take you to the movies, the gym and the bar.
He might even text you and call to ask how your day was. But beware, the second you look at another guy, sirens turn on and he rings the alarm.
The faux-friend will not actually date you, but he is perfectly happy to cause unnecessary drama as he glares down his perceived competition at the bar like a hyena in heat.
Avoid at all costs.
The Poltergeist is similar to the Fair-Weather, but way more irritating.
This is the guy who disappears after an amazing date and then reincarnates as a ghost rapping at your online-door.
The poltergeist will “like” a Facebook update, or shoot a text once every few weeks along the lines of “Hey we should hang out!” only to disappear again… these guys are like reoccurring outbreaks of H1N1, and it’s time to be vaccinated.
Toast is the perfectly nice but utterly boring guy who always forces you to exchange pleasantries online. You have a brief conversation about your day (or the weather) that fizzles quickly. But don’t worry, you’ll have the same exact conversation a few days later.
Toast is way too shy to ask you out , and way too boring to be asked out…so you are stuck repeating these pointless conversations because there’s no polite way to say “Yo Toast, I don’t give a shit how you are doing today.”
This guy is like catching poison ivy. He will stalk you and message you on every dating site and app.
The Rash won’t go away until you go to Walgreen’s and buy some anti-itch creme.
Ignoring him is best tactic. Responding will only encourage him to make a fake profile just to keep bothering you. (Yes, this happens.)
And don’t worry about running into the Rash at the bar. Like the E-Baller, these guys have social anxiety problems and scurry like roaches when you glare at them in a social setting.
This is the sluttacious guy who is just waiting to share his love bumps. “Hi, how are you? My name is John. Want to be the guest star of my septic tank of desire?”
Um, no.
And don’t for the Vamp no matter how drunk and lonely you are.
This is the type of guy who sleeps his way through entire groups of friends and makes things awkward for everyone in the future.
He’s cute! You chatted him up on a dating site or at a bar, became Facebook friends, and promptly stopped talking to each other.
So of course you run into him all the time now.
He is at the grocery store, club, and the lake. You smile politely, wave, and continue ignoring each other.
And the weird thing about The Extra is that you would probably get along with him enough to become real-friends, and yet nothing ever happens.
It’s the almost-missed connection that keeps repeating itself.
As you can see, this is a very busy circus. Tickets available at Ticketmaster or at your local Pump’N’Munch gas station.
It is raining. I am walking the dogs. So of course I have both leashes in one hand, my blackberry in the other, and a golf umbrella balanced between my cheek and my shoulder.
That’s when I run into my new neighbor, McDreamy, who has some sort of husky mix.
Between the phone, the leashes and the umbrella, I am awkwardly juggling too many things and trying my best not to drop anything. McDreamy wants the dogs to meet but I avoid eye contact because I need to focus on keeping Gertrude from lunging at the husky. She lurches forward and yelps. I almost drop the umbrella.
I look awkward. My dog looks vicious. It’s a giant swagger fail…and I blame her:
Oh everything is absolutely fabulous and I will write shortly.
I have the same problem that Truman Capote and Oscar Wilde had: it is hard to both live life (while being present) and write about the life you’re living.
But I am here to make a quick addition to my list of the types guys that I date. To review, so far we have:
I need a FAQ page on this blog. I usually respond to questions via twitter, but my new readers keep asking the same question: “Why don’t you write more about dating or work?”
My answer: discretion. This blog is fun, but not sloppy.
Contrary to popular belief, there is a filter here…well, sort of. One trick I learned as a resident assistant in undergrad is that clean living is the simplest way to avoid projecting dirt, so I try not to do anything that I would have a problem with broadcasting on the world wide inter-web.1
That means that there is less to filter, which my life easier, because filter refills are expensive…
Here’s an outline of my spring semester. A lot happened…
January: The semester starts.
