humor Archives - Page 12 of 19

My deodorant epiphany

February 25, 2009

About once a week you can find me at the convenience store near the law school. I’m that awkward, slightly sweaty guy that obviously had a lapse in proper post-shower etiquette.

I was trapped in a vicious deodorant-buying cycle until I had a epiphany: Since I have a propensity to forget my deodorant, it would save me a ton of money if I just kept a stick in my locker!¹ No more overpriced school-convenience-store sticks! ²Brilliance. I know. It only took me a semester to figure that out.

¹ There’s actually a stick in my locker. These are the ones that I accidentally brought home.

² For some reason the gopher shop sells different type deodorant each week. It’s a surprise everytime. They usually only have girl-sticks because (I suspect) the boy-deo sticks sell out quicker…

OTR: Russian Roulette & Bottle Abuse

February 25, 2009

Criminal law was oddly amusing today. It might be the winds…

Bottle abuse?
Jill: “Does it matter that he¹ was trying to abuse his wife?”
Prof R: “How do you know he was trying to abuse his wife?”
Jill: “Well he threw a beer glass at her!”
The Social Policy of Russian Roulette…
Jack: “There may be a social policy that if you’re dumb enough to play Russian Roulette then you get to have your brains blown out.”
Prof R: “It’s sometimes called the Darwin effect.”

Professor R then showed us a powerpoint slide of Russian Roulette and apologized that he couldn’t make the graphic spin.

¹ Mayes v. People, 106 Ill. 306 (Ill. 1883)

humor / Law School / legal humor / on the record

How John saved Statutory Interpretation

February 24, 2009

After questioning Jill for 20 minutes, Professor M tried to move on:

Professor M: “Okay, let’s go with someone else. Jack Smith?”
Jill: “He’s not here today.”
Professor M: “Hm. Okay, what about John Doe?”

(Silence)

Professor M: “Fine, what about Andy Johnson?”

(Silence, a few chuckles)

Professor M: “…erm, Sarah Patel?”

(some people start laughing)

Professor M: “What are the odds?! I mean, MOST of you are here! See what happens when you don’t show up… Okay, okay, what about John Williams?”
John: “Here!”

(class applauds)

legal humor / picture of the day

Tort Balls

February 23, 2009

Winter is the best time to be a law student.

When I’m at the library too late I chuck a few snowballs on the way home. It’s the best thing ever.

But be careful, the undergrads pick up on it too. Try not to start a snow fight.

Law School / legal humor / on the record

Property is magic (and telesmatic?)

February 23, 2009

The Future Interests discussion in Property just got weird…
Professor P: “This is an area of the law where magic words matter.”

Jill: “So the holding of this case¹ is that the words “as long as” are more magic than the word “purpose?”

Professor P: “Yes! Exactly!”
Then, a few minutes later the magic theme allowed to Jack to give us a vocab lesson:
Jack: “So those words are less talismanic² than the other words?”

¹ Johnson v. Whiton, 159 Mass. 424 (Mass. 1893)
² A debate erupted whether the word Jack used was “talismanic” or “telesmatic”, which both have similar definitions… I learned two new words today!

Law School / on the record

Scalia = legal Rick James?

February 23, 2009

During statutory interpretation:
Professor M: “Scalia points to the conference history and admits ‘yeah that’s inconsistent with what I’m saying but I’m Scalia and I don’t care about legislative history…’”

The topic is the Scalia dissent in Babbitt v. Sweet Home Chapter of Cmtys. for a Great Or., 515 U.S. 687 (U.S. 1995)

legal humor

“Security Incident” in the Law Library

February 20, 2009

Did they really email this? The Sudafed must be playing tricks on me:
Security Incident in the Law Library:

This week, a wallet was left unattended in a high traffic location in the Law Library for at least two hours. When the student returned, the wallet was gone. The victim declined to file a police report.

This is even more ridiculous because UMinnesota libraries are open to the public during the day. Everyone from attorneys, high school students, to homeless people roam about.

I hope the wallet was in a backpack or something, and not just sitting out on a table for “at least two hours.”

I’d decline to file a police report too…

Law School / on the record

What about the Banana? Huh?

February 18, 2009

Sorry, what? Jack just responded to a question in Criminal Law… and I’m confused:
Jack: “…and the guy walking down the street carrying a banana thinking, ‘Ah! I’m going to kill someone today!’ is less likely to be successful than someone who planned it out.”
I’m not suggesting that Jack’s answers are incoherent. I’ll just listen better next time.

humor / Law School / legal humor / on the record

Hypo fail.

February 17, 2009

Everyone just lost it in Property. The topic is “ancient lights” (or lack thereof) in American jurisprudence. The professor doesn’t see how awkward his hypo about the “Pleasure Palace Hotel” is:
Professor P: “…and the plaintiff has a gigantic sign that says “Come to the Pleasure Palace!””

Okay, and now back to maturity.

humor / Law School / legal humor / on the record

Our librarian-comic/Soulja Bill

February 17, 2009

We had a mandatory statutory interpretation research lecture today. The research librarian was pretty funny:
Librarian: “You know how there are those people who get scared talking in front of large groups of people? Well, I should have checked where they keep the defibrillators beforehand…”
Librarian: “This is a diagram from Westlaw. I don’t think it’s that helpful but other people have told me it is. Personally it makes me a little dizzy, a little nauseous..”
Librarian: “And everyone just loves microfiche! Typically when we tell someone that we have the document in microfiche they suddenly don’t need it anymore…”
He also mentioned that there was a Soulja Boy version of School House Rock’s “How a Bill Becomes a law”… and sure enough…

Law School / legal humor / on the record

Jill keeps it real.

February 17, 2009

At UMN Law we have optional supplementary courses called “structured study groups” (SSG). The courses are taught by 2Ls and 3Ls.

Today our SSG instructor for Civil Procedure asked:
SSG Instructor: “You guys haven’t had multifactor balancing tests yet right?”
Jill: “Yeah, in legal writing last semester, but that was a disaster too…”

* The topic is personal jurisdiction balancing tests.

legal humor / the cases

Neighbors from hell: worse than robots?

February 16, 2009

My property professor assigned a hilarious “neighbor from hell” case. The court uses very unique phrase to describe the annoying conduct:

That the acts were done by defendants in person makes them even more culpable, more dreadful and repulsive than if robots had acted.
Here’s why you should be grateful you don’t live next to the Northridge family:

humor / overheard / the cases

Civpro & Random/mess

February 15, 2009

Everything is funny right now. I might be delusional from my 7-hour fees committee meeting and two hours of Civil Procedure reading…but I suspect not.

What’s so funny? Well, Stella and I are at the Purple Onion Cafe, and the guy in line at the register is saying this to his female friend (verbatim):
Guy in Line: “Do you just not shower? Is that how your hair gets so nice? It’s cute. I think it’s cute. IT’S CUTE!”
I snicker about this and then read the following hypo in my book:

“Would it have made a difference if the product that exploded had been a toaster that the defendant also manufactured and distributed only in the Northeast?”

I think things have reached that point where it’s best to close the book and walk away…

1L Spring Summaries / humor

Best Week Ever: Week 4 – smoke & awkwardness in the library

February 14, 2009

I learned a few things by reviewing this week’s tweets:

Lesson #1: Student Fees Committee = Hilarity.
Tweet (Feb 14): I think this fee committee paperwork deforested a small country…
Student fees committee hearings dominated last weekend. The public hearing is tomorrow.

I spent a good chunk of time today with the 4-inch-thick brick binder of fees proposals. I also printed off the majority and minority rationales. I probably deforested a small country in the process. Al Gore would not approve…

Last week’s student fees committee debate was “spirited” (in the Nancy Pelosi sense of the word.) Tomorrow’s hearing is going to be a case study in awkward.

Lesson #2: I’m way clumsier than anyone will ever know:
8:39 PM Feb 9th: Chamomile tea bag explosion … non verbal annoyance being expressed in library…
9:46 AM Feb 10th: I’m the one in the corner of the law library covered peanut shells.
8:11 AM Feb 11th: My cologne? It’s called “spilled” and from the House of Maxwell.
7:06 PM Feb 12th: I would break my glasses the night before a 9am interview wouldn’t I?
The left leg from my glass frame snapped Thursday night. This meant the bus ride to my job interview was a blurry affair. After the interview I went to LensCrafters and was robbed.

My salesperson kept telling me I was getting a “great deal” and “massive” discounts. I don’t believe him. The $400 charge on may have something to do with that. My wallet is still wincing.

Lesson #3: I’m smooth…sort of:
8:25 PM Feb 9th: soda cans open EXTRA LOUD in a library… I pull out the diet mountain dew and the girl across the way looks at me like “DON’T YOU DARE!”…
8:25 PM Feb 9th: The trick is to hold the soda can very low, open it, and then look around like, “who did that?”

Lesson #4: The library is a hot mess:
9:02 PM Feb 10th: I think someone is smoking in the law library… it’s a scented cigar(?) or…
11:25 AM Feb 11th: so he crashes into his seat, slams his books down, and starts picking his skin (and biting nails)… undergrad library = constant amusement
12:05 PM Feb 10th: is waiting for creepy [Wilson Library] Barista to go on break before I get coffee. He called me “sport” then “buddy”…what’s next? I’m scared.

Law School / legal humor / on the record

Oops: Busted in Corps

February 12, 2009

We just a semi-brutal moment in Corporations. The professor started with yesterday’s reading:
Professor M: “And can shareholders act with written consent in Delaware?”
Jack: “I didn’t catch that in the reading.”
Professor M: “And you wouldn’t have caught it in the reading unless you read the statutes I assigned for today! Well?”
(Deathly silence. Jack blushes)
Professor M: “Does anyone know the answer?”
(More awkward silence)
Professor M: “I’m disappointed. I’m not surprised, but disappointed.”

Why isn’t Professor M surprised? General incompetence? Nope. Today is the day before “Winter Break.”

“Winter Break” is a four day weekend at UMN Law. I think Winter Break is designed to help 1L retention. Our professors told us to “take some time off to do things we love.”

No one bought that line.

Grades are in. Classes, legal writing and the 1L summer job hunt are in full swing. This is our 4-day catch up weekend and we are grateful for it. But whether Winter Break is the reason no one read the Corporations statutes is another matter…

Law School / legal humor / on the record

Jack becomes jaded…

February 11, 2009

We just had an interesting exchange in Criminal Law:
Jack: “I don’t get how the defendant didn’t know he was a felon. I mean, how can you not know? This is nuts. Are you saying I can just murder someone and then vote?
Prof R: “Well, they generally don’t run criminal checks when you vote. If they do catch you then you’re violation…”
Jack: “I just lost respect for this system! (professor and class gasps, awkward moment ensues…) I know that’s not your fault, it’s more of a societal thing, but whatever…”

Law School / legal humor / on the record

Jill on Adverse Possession

February 10, 2009

Jill has the best legal argument…
Jack: “I would argue that the possession wasn’t hostile. There was no confrontation at all!”
Jill: “I don’t think the standard here is to dig a moat and set up the catapults…”

humor

The unfreshness

February 10, 2009

I have an awkward hour-break between my classes (thanks Statutory Interpretation!) so I’ve reacquainted myself with my study carrel.

I neglected my study carrel for most of last semester…which is probably why I was exposed to the unfreshness yesterday:

Apparently sweetened banana chips expire. Who knew?

Yuck. It was one of those lingering funks too. I had scent-flashbacks all day. I swear the ghost of the banana-chip-funk followed me to the nice library last night. Uck, uck uck.

No sightings/smellings today though…

legal humor / the cases

Personal Jurisdiction: enter the dullness

February 9, 2009

I know I’m in trouble when my CivPro book tells me a chapter is dull…
“Nevertheless jurisdiction has continued to plague lawyers, judges and law students. Many, no doubt, would agree with the judge who observed that “the legal issues raised in these cases are rather dull. If Judge Wapner had to worry about personal jurisdiction, ‘The People’s Court’ would not be on television.”

humor / Life / vlogs

Notes on a bad first date

February 9, 2009

Jamie and I had the opportunity to observe a very public, very awful first-date at the Freighthouse.

Here are the best quotes:
400-pound-man: “I got home and the Antique Roadshow was on, so of course I watched it until 6am!”
400-pound-man: “And I woke up the next day and was like: “WHO WAS THAT LITTLE GREEN GUY DRIVING THE CAR AND WHO CRAPPED ON MY LAWN!?”

Jamie grabs my laptop, opens MS Word and writes:

Jamie: This guy doesn’t shut up. I feel sorry for this girl. So far it has been determined- by me- that he is a drunk and trying too hard. I think she has completed three full sentences and one was about her coming home from work on Friday and having a bottle of wine.
Jamie (quoting the guy): “It’s not like I am a drunk, I am a social person that likes to have fun.” Definitely a first date- and if either of them had any standards it would be the last. He is so not self-monitoring.
Me (typing): And you thought the mall-cop was bad…
Me (typing): But seriously, they aren’t THAT entertaining to make up for what you’re losing in productivity…
Jamie (typing): Though the legal lady and these two are definitely making it all worthwhile!