Something is rotten in Oak Lawn.
One of the things that I love about my apartment building is being right across the street from a Kroger.
Sure, I also love being right next to all of the gay bars, but Kroger is there for me when I need rotisserie chicken and Franzia on a Saturday morning. And unlike Whole Paycheck Whole Foods, I won’t go broke shopping at Kroger.
But something is amiss at my beloved grocery store and the nearby homeless shelter public library: a very foul smell.
The smell is an assault to the senses – it mugs us when we trot home from the bars. The stink also bops us on the head during the morning dog walks, and side-slaps us when we guy groceries.
It is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad stench, but what is it?
Speculation is rampant in my building:
- Is there a sewage backup?
- Did someone or something die on top of the library?
- Is this an evil conspiracy by recently evicted iLume tenants?
- Is Trump somehow involved?
We have come to the conclusion that the great stink is actually shit.
Although opinions differ about the kind of shit (horses, cows, or chimpanzees), we believe that Kroger mixed manure in with the mulch surrounding the property.
Hence the smell.
I am sure that using manure is super “organic and great for the environment.” But are the benefits of manure outweighed by the misery inflicted by stinking up the gayborhood?
This reminds me a lot of the Great Stink that my college (University of Miami) had back in 2005 when Hurricane Wilma knocked down half of the trees on campus.
The trees were turned into an epic mulch mountain on an empty lot near the outskirts of campus.
Of course the mulch began to promptly rot in the gross Miami weather. The mulch mountain releases plumes of rotting stink that would drift throughout campus and drive everyone inside.
Although the Great Stink of Oak Lawn doesn’t compare to Miami’s Stinkgate, it is still pretty damn bad.
Hopefully it goes away soon.
History Nerd Bonus: The Great Stink was actually a thing.
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