law library Archives - Memos and Mirth

Best Week Ever 12: Dog Days

November 28, 2010

It is Saturday night and my car glides through traffic on 494. Whip my Hair is on the radio and I am excited about tonight’s date. Things are awesome.

The awesomeness ends approximately 15 minutes later when I open my apartment door and get smacked by the smell of rotten eggs. Harley is sick and yarked everywhere.

I manage to clean up the copious amounts of yolk-like vomit, take the dogs out, drain the building boiler, and get dressed within 25 minutes. I am not going to be late for this date, dammit!

So of course, when I open the door to leave, I hear “BLARRG!”

3L Fall

Fin!

November 25, 2010

Glasses on book by Dariusz Sankowski via Stocksnap

It’s almost 1am.

I spent the majority of Thanksgiving working on my Death Penalty paper in the Law Library. I’m probably the only non-Asian student¹ here, and it’s time to go home.

2L Spring Finals

Soiled Diaper (The International Tax Law exam)

May 10, 2010

Man in office by Bethany Legg via Unsplash

I did it – I took my 8-hour international tax law exam today! BAM-chickawow-wow!

I can’t talk too much about the exam (lest my Dean unleashes the Kraken) but I can say three things:

The exam was 8-hours of hot messitude.
I worked hard for that C-, and
I am giving up on being a Tax Lawyer or a Westlaw attorney and searching craigslist for post-graduation employment as a barback. I am cute, peppy, and will work on the cheap!

I took my exam at the nearby undergrad library because apparently law students need “special permission from the dean” to take law school exams in the law school library’s study rooms.

Law School / legal humor / on the record

Usually…
Professor V: “People who conspire to act against federal law don’t advertise that fact in the Wall Street Journal…”
Not so hypothetical hypo:
Professor T: “Suppose the 35W bridge collapses…”
Jill’s blunt summary:
Jill: “So the doctor operates on this woman and she starts leaking urine in places where urine is not supposed to be…”
Librarians aren’t all looks:
Research Librarian: “Use librarians! We are more than just eye candy: we are professionals.”

Asides:
Professor T: “This is an absolutely true story – sometimes I embellish the facts – but this is an absolutely true story…”
Professor L: “When you’re talking about a diseased cow, or a germ infected rag – I know it’s a bit early for this case – but the court says…”

0L / legal humor

We don’t teach manners here

July 31, 2008

A group of handymen walked through the law library this afternoon. They talked loudly to each other over the sound of their NexTel phones – SQUAWK somethinginSpanish SQUAWK

Guy and I watched the handymen pass and shot the “oh how rude” look.

“You can tell they never went to college,” Guy said.

Ten minutes later: A female law professor stomps through the aisles, juggling three bags and a Blackberry.
“What? What? Honey, SPEAK UP. Oh, Edward? I’ll pick him up after I make copies.”

Guy and I watched her pass and then exchanged a look.

“So what’s HER excuse?” I asked.

0L / legal humor / Life

EVVVVERRY BODY: mosquitoes, hilarity, and the law library.

July 24, 2008

I’m in Miami for one last summer. Guess where I spend most of my time? The law library.

I’m not doing any intense prep for law school.. Although I have read a few law-related books, I’m not frantically outlining horn books or briefing cases for practice. No, I’m not that boy.

I spend most of my time reading novels.

Yes, in the law library.

This may seem bizarre to people not from Miami, but the crystal blue skies and beautiful beaches are only travel brochure fodder.

Do not be fooled. The reality of Miami is heat, humidity, and mosquitoes.

I’m working at my undergrad university (U Miami) this summer. UMiami has a scenic campus,but I can’t read outside because of the raging hordes of mosquitoes.

I’m not exaggerating. Raging hordes. Seriously. These are Genghis Khan-level mosquitoes – I have to reapply the bug spray every 20 minutes to prevent severe blood loss. And those mild bug sprays don’t work. I have to buy OFF! Deep Woods, which smells faintly of rot.

One of my coworkers was bit so badly yesterday that she resembled a smallpox victim.

And reading at the beach? No go. Miami Beach is miserably crowded with tourists, joggers, winos, coke dealers, and etc. It’s also expensive. The parking garages charge $15 if you are over 4 hours. Gas on the beach? $4.41 for regular. No, mam.

I generally go to Virginia Key, which is an island/nature reserve off the coast of downtown Miami. Virginia Key is only a $1.50 toll and $3 entrance fee the park/beach.

The problem with Virginia Key is that it’s a nature reserve so you have to deal with, well, nature. Which includes hordes of mosquitoes from the mangrove swamp.

The mangrove swamp in question…

There are also looming predatory birds (including vultures) and the occasional dead shark,

For those who thought I was kidding…

Oh, and the locals (fishermen + bratty children). So, for summer reading the beach is out.

This is why my summer reading ritual consists of a stop at Starbucks and the law library.

And the Miami law library is a bit intense.

Books, tabs, highlighters, and a freakly, strained quiet that makes me nervous to blink.

Coughing? Out of the question. I’ll choke it down until I can creep off to the bathroom or stairwell to hack.

The worst part isn’t the quiet but the faces of the law students. The expressions are variations of miserable, angry, or sickly.

Yesterday, the ‘angry’ variety was dominant.

A couple left their belongings unattended on a table. The table was part of cluster surrounded by study carrels. They left their laptops, books, papers, everything.

There were a lot of people around, so theft seemed unlikely, but these people were gone for a while.

And then it happened: a cellphone buried somewhere in the pile of crap on that table went off.

Annoying ringtone.
Full blast.
EVVVVVVERRY BODY IN THE CLUB GETTING TIPSY!

Tension, gasps, and it rings again, EVVVVVVERRY BODY IN THE CLUB GETTING TIPSY!

And then there was that moment typically only seen on National Geographic; You know, the moment when the zebras realize something is amiss… the scamper of a predator, a cracked twig, a dart, something, and then all the zebras freeze in a collective wide-eyed “oh shit” moment before deciding what to do.

Well, about half of us had the “oh shit” zebra stare down. The phone kept going off.
EVVVVVVERRY BODY IN THE CLUB GETTING TIPSY! EVVVVVVERRY BODY…

Then the Jackals came out.

Heads popped of the study carrels. People shot hateful glares at the unattended table. The phone wasn’t visible because it was somewhere under the papers and books, but it rang, and rang, …and then finally stopped.

But of course the person called back.
EVVVVVVERRY BODY, EVVVVVVERRY BODY, EVVVVVVERRY BODY IN THE CLUB GETTING TIPSY!

The Jackals slammed their books, sucked their teeth, and walked single file to the bathroom. Some muttered dark threats under their breath. One guy just twitched and said “Fuck! Shit! Fuck!”

The phone stopped and the happy couple returned. Guy and girl. With Subway bags. They seemed glad that their stuff hadn’t been swiped. There were so many people around. It’s safe. Go on, take as many half-hour subway breaks as you want…The no food policy in the library? Whatever. It’s about as important as that whole silence your cellphone jig…

The hilarity ensued when the 5-6 jackals returned to the study area and shot hateful, hateful looks at the couple. The couple probably thought it was because they were eating.

No, not probably – definitely, because they exchanged a look and then LEFT AGAIN with their food, supposedly to eat it outside.

And yes, they forgot their phone…because 5 minutes later… EVVVVVVERRY BODY, EVVVVVVERRY BODY…

I left after that because I was pretty sure the twitcher was going to cut someone.

20,000 mosquitoes would be less stressful than these law students.

freshman year

Towards

May 1, 2005

I sat in Allen Hall until I had finished the third chapter of John Grisham’s “The King of Torts”. I was tired and the cleaning ladies’ music was too loud anyway.

I got up and tossed the empty, grease-stained fry pouch and burger box in the Donald’s bag and walked towards the stairs. “Tttrash?” asked one of the cleaning ladies. Her puffy blond hair was tied back in a long ponytail.

I smiled as I turned towards her cart. Another lady came out of the classroom and stood behind the cart. Both offered heavily accented “hi’s” as I approached.

“There?” I asked and motioned with the bag. The second lady, a neck-less woman wearing bright red lipstick, nodded and pointed to the sack hanging off of the cart. She smiled as I tossed my grease sack into the indicated garbage bag. “Have a goodnight,” I said, hoping my smile would make up for my language deficiency.

The cleaning ladies gave me two toothy smiles and heavily accented “byes!” as I went down stairwell. I walked back to my car to get my hat, then back to my dorm.

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