humor Archives - Page 8 of 19

Jill says buy a helmet

November 10, 2009

I am a little clumsy, so I spend a significant amount of time pancaked on the law school’s stairs, frantically picking up my books.

Usually no one catches the shit show, but Jill entered the stairwell right after I fell, coffee cup in hand…

Jill: “OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me (getting up): “Oh, I am on a mission to douse every stairwell in the law school with coffee…”
Jill: “What?”
Me: “Nothing. Just clumsy I guess! I should buy a pair of knee pads…”
Jill (scoffing): “Looks like you’d be better off investing in a helmet.”

See also: The Best of Jill.

Law School / on the record

Professor E makes a value judgment

November 4, 2009

Glasses on book by Dariusz Sankowski via Stocksnap

Yesterday’s topic in Real Estate Law was Due-On-Sale clauses in mortgages. These clauses allow a lender to demand repayment of the entire loan amount upon the sale of property:

Professor E: “The game was hiding the sale from the lender. Every market had a few lawyers that people knew would be willing to do this. So people who wanted to cheat their lenders would go to these lawyers…well, I guess saying “cheat” is a value judgment isn’t it? So anyway they would go to these lawyers to cheat their lenders…”
Jill: “Wait! You seem to be implying it is wrong to do this.”
Professor E: “You’re right!”

This triggered a 10 minute discussion on the ethics of lawyers helping clients hide transfers of property interests from lenders.

Professor E: “Wow, maybe this is an avoidance of the next topic because I’ve never had so much participation!”

And she was right. The next topic was mortgage backed securities. Eek.

Another day in tax law

November 3, 2009

In a perfect world…

Professor A: “Cleaning supplies should be deductible. Maybe in a perfect world the IRS would monitor the spic-and-span, the toilet paper, and all that crap and see if it is taxable, but they don’t.”

Words of Wisdom:

Professor A: “This is another one of my tax rules: you can’t have your cake and eat it too. If a tax scheme looks too good to be true, it is. And you and your client will get into trouble if you participate.”

Other Tax law posts:

Note: I refer to my tax professor as “Professor A” simply because “Professor T” was taken. The naming issue was really bad during my first semester when I had Contracts, Conlaw, and Civil Procedure.

humor / Life / Minneapolis-St. Paul

Halloween recap

November 1, 2009

I still can’t believe I brought a copy of the United States Tax Code to a club. The Tax Code was an amazing prop for my second Halloween costume: law student!

I had tape on my glasses, an old briefcase, and about 8 inches of books. I felt pretty…oh so pretty…

The craziest costume we saw last night was an abortion doctor who wore a monster fetus on his shoulder. Yes, it was as gross as it sounds.

At the Eagle there were three guys wearing the same pimp costume from Party City. Wearing the same $19.99 costume as two other people is worse than being caught wearing a duplicate dress on the red carpet. The pimps did not know each other, but the bar was so crowded that they ended up awkwardly close anyway.

When I made the Party City comment to my bar group, I got the craziest looks because two of the people in my bar-group had NEVER HEARD OF PARTY CITY! Gasp! I don’t know why I am so scandalized by this… it must be the franchise-lover in me…

Next to the duplicate pimps was a morbidly obese man dressed as Winnie the Pooh. I told Pooh that he should have brought a jar of honey as a prop.

The best costume of the night was Billy Mays. There was also a guy at the Saloon who I swear was NeNe Leakes from the Housewives of Atlanta.

In true NeNe style, the NeNe drag queen went off on someone….and that someone just happened to be my friend Phillip! We were on the dance floor and Phillip’s costume caught on NeNe’s sleeve. Nene thought Phillip was grabbing her and proceeded to smack him.

…and hilarity ensued.

NeNe’s friend eventually came and calmed her down. The awkwardness was delicious.

Last year I spent Halloween DJing at the Gamma eta Gamma house. Pictures are here.

2L Fall / Law School / on the record

Law school is about free food

October 30, 2009

The law school can sense when I am cranky. I was sitting in the law school cafeteria when got an instant message from Jack. He was in class, and another chair had just collapsed.

This happened to me last year:

Fail.

I was going to write a post about the ridiculous spending patterns at the law school: we have a student lounge with a flat screen TV, pool table, and video game machines, but our classrooms smell¹, the seats collapse, and the temperature control is underwhelming. A can of febreeze would do far more good than a pinball machine.

So, I started writing my cranky post when the administrator in charge of orientation² came by my table and gave me a handwritten thank you note and Take 5 candy bar for serving as an orientation leader.

Then, on my way to class, the Lexis representative had a spread of (good) candy and muffins. She was busy and tired, so I didn’t even have to talk to her to get the food…although I did tell her how much I loved Best Authority.
Muffin and candy bar in hand, law school was suddenly awesome. Who cares that that the class rooms smell like snot? They feed me!
I walk into my Conflicts class full of sugary goodwill and see Jill:

Me: “The Lexis lady has free muffins and candy bars!”
Jill: “WHAT?”
Me: “Free food! The Lexis lady is giving out muffins and candy. And you don’t even have to talk to her. It’s amazing.”
Jill: “You mean she’s giving away muffins ON THE DAY OF THE WLSA BREAST CANCER BAKE SALE?! That bitch!”
Me: “I was just trying to spread the good word…”

Jill stifles a scream then storms out of the room.

Woops.

¹ I suspect they don’t shampoo the carpet.
² Aka, the “go to” lady who everyone loves.

2L Fall / humor / Law School / on the record

Sarah gets sick

October 30, 2009

Sarah sits two rows behind me in my Conflicts of Law class.

The seating situation of the classroom is important to explain the hot messitude, so here is a diagram:

The blue rectangles are the tables. The seating is tiered.

I sit in seat A.
Sarah is in seat B.
Brenda is in seat C, and Bill is in seat D.
Jill is in seat E.

Because Sarah sits almost directly behind me, I cannot see her unless I fully turn around. I can easily see Bill and Brenda if I turn to the side. I can see Jill without turning.
So throughout Conflicts yesterday I kept hearing this nasty, mucusy coughing. It was the type of wet coughing that makes everyone who hears it visualize the gunk and puss sloshing around in the cougher’s throat.
Gross. I know.

The coughing was interrupted by that nasty “sucking my snot in” sound.

After a while it became distracting, so I turned slightly and looked at Bill and Brenda. Both looked horrified.

The second time I turned around, both Bill and Brenda had their faces covered with their jackets. Maybe someone farted?

The entire time I see Jill’s face becoming more and more distorted. She’s watching a train wreck.
I turn again and see that Brenda moved to the back row! Bill is shielding his face with his coat. Jill is beside herself.
I finally do an almost-discrete-but-not-quite turn and see the cause of the commotion: Sarah is disgustingly sick. Snot is streaming all over her face, and she was snorting, sniffing, and coughing away. H1N1 was flying around the room like dust particles from an old pillow. We were all going to catch the plague, and die, and miss our finals.

After class Jill exchanges a frantic look with me and mouths: “THAT IS SO GROSS!”

In the hallway Jill explained:

Jill: “Oh my god, Sarah is so disgusting! She was wiping her snot with her FINGERS! WITH HER FINGERS!! Why would you come to school like that?”
Me: “Well, maybe she had an allergy attack or something… and Conflicts is sort of a hard class to miss.”
Jill: “That’s just unacceptable. Fail.”

Just then, Sarah comes out of the classroom. Jill yelps and practically jumps across the hall, almost knocking over some 1Ls in the process. I expected her to point and scream “PLAGUE!!! PLAGUE!!! SHE BE SPREADING THE PLAGUE!! BURN THE WITCH!”

We’ll see if Sarah shows up today.

And yes, I am bringing a baggie of Kleenex and a mini-hand-sanitizer bottle as a gift for Sarah just in case today’s class is a repeat of yesterday’s hot messitude.

Law School / legal humor / on the record

Sorry, what?

October 29, 2009

It’s flu season…even in Conlaw:

Professor L: “So Jill, what was the compelling interested claimed by the school board?”
(Jack coughs)
Jill: “Well the school board argued that…”
(Jack coughs louder)
Jill: “…and then said that…”
(Jack coughs)
Jill: “…but the court didn’t buy it.
Professor L: “Sorry Jill, I missed that because someone was coughing. Repeat!”
Jack (mouthing): “SORRY!”

OTR: Sports overload & mass confusion

October 29, 2009

My tax professor has his priorities right:

Professor A: “I should have your midterms back, but I am going to three sporting events in the next three days instead of grading your papers…it’s a sports overload that my wife’s not very happy about…”

My employment law professor keeps warning us that the ERISA material is boring:

Professor I: “I guarantee you the ERISA preemption case is…uh…well, it’s not fun. Good luck with that! See you next week!”

(I actually think the ERISA regulations are interesting and get to read a lot of ERISA-cases at work.)

My Real Estate law class has gone from a dull review of property law to an ultra-complicated look at the secondary mortgage market and rights of the mortgagee upon non-payment

Professor E: “Let me just tell you where we are going to start on Monday because I feel like I did enough damage today...”

I think most of us are unspeakably confused in that class. Thank goodness employment law and conlaw II are still easy…

humor / Life / overheard / Whittier / Uptown Minneapolis

Awkward and racist: Flem at the Coffeshop

October 26, 2009

My tax reading at Dunn Brothers (a coffee chain) was interrupted by some heavy drama.

First, I had the mildly annoying situation of my coffee gift card reading as if there is only 31 cents on it when the online balance is $49. The balance should be about $93 because I put $44 on it yesterday… anyway, that is NOT the drama keeping me from my tax reading…

The drama was Flem, the crazy, coughing man who was speaking REALLY LOUDLY on his phone and engaging in total overshare. Here are some gems:

Flem: “I cough, and I cough, and I cough. I live in a homeless shelter with about 40 other men and I am the loudest cougher in there.”

Flem: “Wait, I have another call coming in…yes sir. Yes. Yes sir. Well let me put you on my reject list…”

Flem: “…and I was riding my bike, all 230 pounds of me, and I crashed on the sidewalk and cracked my rib…”

Flem: “I’m living with a bunch of negros. At the homeless shelter it’s all negros. And I’m not a fan of the blacks. And no, they can’t hear me – I’m on the white part of town.”

Flem: “Things are rough here in Minneapolis. I just sold my last food stamps for $30.”

Flem: “I am taking all my medications, I’m doing all the right things…I keep my pajamas and flipflops there, I have my own uh…”

Flem: “I keep thinking I’m dying of some incurable lung cancer because it hurts so much…”

So I am sitting here exchanging smirks with the people around me. I love that this man sold his last food stamps but had a working cellphone with a headset. One of the Baristas did not appreciate Flem’s black-comments and asked Flem to leave.

Barista: “Um, excuse me sir. Can you please leave? You are bothering customers.”
Flem: “Okay, I dig it. I dig it.”
Barista: “Uh, thank you.”

The Barista goes back behind the counter and Flem changes his mind and goes ape-shit:

Flem: “BUT WHAT ABOUT WHAT FREE SPEECH? IS THERE NO FUCKING FREE SPEECH AT DUNN BROTHERS?! HUH?”

Barista: “DUDE! Get out of here!”

Flem: “No! I will not get out of here! The police won’t come before I get here! Blacks are niggers! NIGGERS! I know because I live with them!”

Barista: “DUDE! Shut up and leave!”

Flem: “NO I WILL NOT LEAVE! I WILL STAND HERE! CRACK CULTURE SUCKS! BLACK CULTURE SUCKS! EVERYONE IN HERE IS WHITE!”

Flem apparently didn’t see the five Somalis, the Mexican dude, or me.

Flem turns up the volume. He’s throwing a full out fit. Everyone gasps. The scene is charged and totally awkward.

This man is literally standing in the doorway, head raised at the sky screaming like a toddler having a temper tantrum. This was ten types of crazy. Hello Minneapolis!

Flem eventually left. I am just glad I am by the back door so I can dash out when Flem comes back with a gun…

2L Fall / Law School / on the record

FLSA, glazed over eyes

October 26, 2009

Today’s Employment Law class consisted of a lecture on the Fair Labor Standards Act.

Professor I. was underwhelmed by our engagement:

Professor I: “I’ve succeed in glazing over almost every eye in the room. That’s an accomplishment!”
Professor I: “See you tomorrow if you can overcome what I did to you today…”

2L Fall / Law School / on the record

Professor V hears a sound.

October 22, 2009

A few minutes into my Conflicts class we heard a ringing sound from the hallway. Jill sits by the door, which has a window to the hallway:

Professor V: “What is that ringing sound?”
Jill: “I think it’s coming from the hallway.”
Professor V: “Hm.”
Jill (opening door): “It’s coming from out here, but I’m not sure what it is. Carbon Monoxide?”
Jack: “Is that a fire alarm?”
Professor V: “Probably not. Jill, let us know if you see flames.”
Jill: “Will do!”

A little Carbon Monoxide isn’t going to interrupt Conflicts.

I am Ally McBeal

October 22, 2009

…in which I become creepy “laughs to himself” guy.

I am sitting in the cafeteria area of the law school, reading for Conflicts.

It is hard to concentrate because two girls from my Tax Law class are seated two tables over. They are preparing for the midterm, and one of the girls has a booming voice.

Suddenly, I imagined her saying “SORRY. I CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!”

And I bust out laughing.

Law School / on the record

OTR: Tax Law, Arkansas

October 19, 2009

Last class we filled out evaluations:

Professor A: “Thank you for filling out my teaching evaluations. They are being evaluated by the Afghanistan election commission so it’s going to take some time to get a result…”

Professor A, who practices at a fancy firm downtown, gives us practice tips:

Professor A: “Today’s practice tip: You can’t expect all of your clients to like you. You can only hope that they respect you.”

The professor then told us about a news story where a policeman’s wife had an affair with a doctor. The policeman found out, lured the doctor to his house, threatened to sue, and then demanded $150,000. The doctor gave the policeman $25,000, which did not constitute a gift.

Professor A: “The newspaper story did not say what the basis of the policeman’s threatened suit would be…but then again, only people from Arkansas know what their law is.”

Law School / on the record

OTR: Real Estate & The Peckerwoods

October 17, 2009

At least Professor R is honest about the reading:

“You don’t need to read the mortgage financing forms word-for-word because if you’d try to you’d quickly go insane because they are really boring…”

Should have read your HUD booklet.

Professor E: “Mrs. Smith, do you remember getting your HUD special information booklet when you bought your house?”
Jill: “Uh, no. I don’t remember that at all. But I was young when I bought my house so I sort of rushed through it. I got totally screwed though…”

And the case quote of the day:

There is a group of inmates at the LCC who call themselves “the Peckerwoods.” This group of inmates has been identified by the facility as a security threat group. Gibbens v. Sabatka-Rine, D.Neb.,2009.

The Peckerwoods case involved a prisoner who had a lot of enemies in jail. He made most of these enemies before he got to the jail – he had ripped someone off, murdered someone else’s brother…

The prisoner was attacked by a member of the Peckerwoods gang in the prison kitchen and alleged that the warden was “deliberately indifferent to the serious risk of harm” that the Peckerwoods member posed to him.

His case was dismissed because he failed to show that the warden was aware that his attacker posed a threat to him.

Law School / on the record

My Perfume Bomb

October 16, 2009

The room for my Conflicts class always smells like snot.

So I am sitting in this snot-scented room 10 minutes before class. No one else is in the room yet.

The snot smell becomes oppressive, and I decide it is time for a freshness update. And gasp! Surprise, surprise! There is a can of Axe in my bag!

So I spray the Axe.
A minute later Jill walks in.

She puts her stuff down in the back of the room and then starts hacking. I turn around and Jill is running out of the room.

Jill: “Do you TASTE that?”
Me: “What?”
Jill: “Sorry.” (HACK) “Someone released a perfume bomb back there!”

Woops.

See also: The Best of Jill.

2L Fall / Law School / on the record

OTR: Title Searches & Bar Talk

October 14, 2009

Real Estate Law: Professor E on title searches:

Professor E: “There are people who just love to do title searches. To them it’s just a huge puzzle and they love the history involved! But most people would rather shoot themselves…”

My tax professor’s asides:
Professor A: “Part of what started this stink was smartass business school professors…”
Professor A: “I’m sorry I’m not my usual sparkling self. I spent a long weekend in Boston eating way too much seafood…”

humor / Law School / pop-law

Alternative Legal Career: Hooker

October 7, 2009

My newest post over at The Shark is about a Stanford law graduate who took an alternative route and used her JD to launch a high-end call-girl service.

Highest hourly rate? $1,300. Read the post here.

humor / Life

The secret family recipe

October 5, 2009

I guess it’s easy to keep the family secret recipe a secret when your bean cans are impossible to open.

I came home for lunch and wanted to add some beans to my leftovers, but the can was so irregularly shaped that the normal can opener only made a few whole holes.

So I used the smaller can opener, which I obviously don’t know how to use and…

Fail.

I eventually got it open. I apologize to whomever sits next to me in Real Estate.

dogs / humor / picture of the day

New Kicks

October 2, 2009

So Aldo is one of my favorite shoe stores at the Mall of America.

One day I decided to go to their website, clicked on clearance, and OH MY GOODNESS is that a $10 pair of pimptastic sneakers?

And gasp, another pair.
And another.

Until…

Oops.

2L Fall / legal humor

Paula? Really?

September 30, 2009

Did my law school really just email me a picture of Paula Abdul?

I’m sure someone thought this was really cute…and, well, “reasonable minds could disagree.”

Stay classy, Minnesota.

“Inside Law” is the name of the law school’s password-protected student website. The law school realized that students were ignoring the copious amounts of ~~spam~~ email that it sent, so now we get a weekly email that directs us to check a website.

Personally, I think this is more annoying than sorting through the law school emails because it involves yet-another step in getting information. And ~~I might be retarded but~~, I always get bewildered and confused by the law school’s website(s).

It’s a level of confusion up there with finding the right terminal at the airport…