humor Archives - Page 9 of 19

Abortion, gore, and humor

September 25, 2009

Yesterday I read for Conlaw II at the Spyhouse. A full hour of Madonna’s 80’s hits was playing while I read stuff like:
After sufficient dilation the surgical operation can commence. The woman is placed under general anesthesia or conscious sedation. The doctor, often guided by ultrasound, inserts grasping forceps through the woman’s cervix and into the uterus to grab the fetus. The doctor grips a fetal part with the forceps and pulls it back through the cervix and vagina, continuing to pull even after meeting resistance from the cervix. The friction causes the fetus to tear apart. For example, a leg might be ripped off the fetus as it is pulled through the cervix and out of the woman. The process of evacuating the fetus piece by piece continues until it has been completely removed. A doctor may make 10 to 15 passes with the forceps to evacuate the fetus in its entirety, though sometimes removal is completed with fewer passes. Once the fetus has been evacuated, the placenta and any remaining fetal material are suctioned or scraped out of the uterus. The doctor examines the different parts to ensure the entire fetal body has been removed.
Gonzales v. Carhart, 550 U.S. 124, 136 (2007)

Bleh. The abortion segment of the Conlaw is my least favorite. But Professor L’s asides kept things light in class:

This is the most important class. Ever:
Professor L: “I’m sure you think about the 10th amendment all the time!”
Overhead issues:
Professor L: “Oh, I forgot to write this on the overhead…I guess I’ll fill it out more before I post it on the uh… um… internet or whatever they are calling it these days…”

(ten minutes pass, and she begins typing again)

Professor L: “I know I’m misspelling like crazy but…well, you guys can just deal with it…”
Jill is about as blunt as Scalia:

Professor L: What does the court say about the respect for the culture of life?”
Jill: “You mean the part where the court just makes stuff up?”

OTR: Tidbits

September 24, 2009

Mixed bag today:

It was 10 minutes before the end of class in Real Estate Law, but the professor must have seen the blank looks on our faces:
Professor E: “Hm. I think I’ve wreaked enough havoc for today.”

Professor V found a quote on one Justice’s expectations of the law:
If there is one thing that the people are entitled to expect from their lawmakers, it is rules of law that will enable individuals to tell whether they are married and, if so, to whom.” Justice Frankfurter, dissenting, in Estin v. Estin. 334,US 541 552 (1948).

And I appreciated Justice Harlan’s comment on Due Process in the Conlaw reading:

“The Due Process Clause stands, in my opinion, on its own bottom.” Concurring in Griswold v. Connecticut, 381 US 479

The law in that case involved a ban on contraceptives for married couples. Even Justice Stewart’s dissent acknowledges how crappy the law is: “I think this is an uncommonly silly law.”

Law School / Law School – 2L / on the record

Socratic Preemption

September 22, 2009

Jill’s answer in Employment law was a little too thorough:
Professor I: “Uh, well,…you just demolished my next three questions…so, uh, good job!”
Not deterred, Professor E then asked the questions anyway and made Jill repeat her answers.

Law School – 2L / legal humor / Minneapolis-St. Paul

How’d you guess?

September 21, 2009

I’m studying at Wilde Roast today.

I walked up to the Barista to order:
Me: “May I have a large coffee for here?”
Barista: “Sure. Is this something to take the edge off or sharpen up?”
I point to the 10-inch stack of books at my table – Conflicts, Environmental Law, Tax Law, and Taxation statutes.
Me: “To sharpen up. I have reading to do.”
Barista: “Yikes! Are you a law student or something?”
Me: “Actually, I am.”

The most important lesson I learned as a history and English major in undergrad is not to be afraid of large books. It’ll take some hours, but if can manage to wade through Huxley, Joyce, and lengthy treatises on Stalinism then anything is possible.

2L Fall / Law School / Law School – 2L / on the record

OTR: Tax, Modern Real Estate

September 18, 2009

The estate tax expires in 2010.

Professor A: “Next year is the year to throw momma from the train!”

Pretend to be interested:

Professor A: “Did you see anything of interest in the reading?”
Jill: “I loathe to say that I didn’t…”
Professor A: “That is well advised!”

Why you should give notice to the home sellers, even if they have a lock box:

Professor E: “My husband was in his underwear, heard some noises downstairs, and snuck stealthily down the stairs with a baseball bat…and almost beat the buyers!”

Law School / Law School – 2L / on the record

On the Record: Professor L

September 17, 2009

I have Professor L again for Constitutional Law. I love the class, but even if I didn’t, the asides would make it totally worth it.

Professor L vs. the 14th amendment:
Professor L: “Let me quote directly here from the amendment… hm…where is it? Sorry… I momentarily forgot how to read roman numerals…”
Professor L hears a voice:
Professor L (looking down at the seating chart): “Mr. Smith?”
Jack Smith: “Here!”
Professor L (looking up): “Where are you? I just heard a voice…hearing voices! That’s all I need!”
Professor L trips:
Professor L: “Woops! Sorry. There’s a little wire here. I’ll probably fall on my face at some point…”
Professor L says stay healthy:

Professor L: “I was asked to record today’s class because a number of your colleagues are sick today with the swine flu or something. I suspect this is only going to get worse, so wash your hands regularly, carry Purell, refuse to shake hands with people, and stay healthy!”

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Professor L see:

Law School / legal humor / on the record

Amber’s talking stick

September 4, 2009

Woman working at desk, by Bench Accounting via Unsplash

Amber, a coworker who goes to another local law school, is going to invest in a talking stick:

Amber: “I’m bringing a talking stick to my seminar. There are two boys in it who think out loud, and just ramble on! Last class I’m sitting there wondering, ‘Do I really have to listen to this?!’ and one of the boys said, ‘Wait, I just need to finish this thought!’ and I wanted to scream ‘OH NO YOU DON’T! YOU HAVE NO COHERENT THOUGHTS! SHUT UP!”

And apparently Dolly Parton is still alive and well:

Amber: “Oh, and that Dolly Parton girl! The twins have been out EVERY SINGLE DAY since school started! And they are just tan and jiggly. I wonder how she gets them so tan…oh, and every time she breathes they quiver like Jello. It’s SO distracting!”

humor / Thomson Reuters

Amber meets Dolly

August 26, 2009

Amber, a coworker who goes to another law school, had an interesting day:

Amber: “Oh my god! So classes already started and there is a girl in two of my classes with the most ridiculous cleavage. She’s a 3L and sits in front of me for both classes, so I spent two hours just lost in her boobs! And the girl is fat, so it’s like 12 inches of cleavage!”
Me: “Is it inappropriate?”
Amber: “Of course it’s inappropriate! And I don’t know how she gets them to stick up and out like that. A bra with whale bones? And who says, ‘Hey, it’s Wednesday, let’s SHOW THE TWINS!’”
Me: “So you’re telling me that Dolly Parton attends your school?”
Amber: “YES! She is Dolly Parton. Dolly Parton with a tan.”

Law School / on the record

Professor W says stop

July 15, 2009

Today in Wills & Trusts, we are discussing the class schedule for the rest of the semester when Professor W stops and looks at Jack:
Professor W: “Don’t bite your fingers. I can’t watch that! You can go outside and munch all you want!”
The class engages in a collective gasp. Jack throws his hand down and flushes. Giggling ensues.

1L summer / humor / Uptown Apartment

A fat person’s apartment

July 9, 2009

I’m making birthday plans with Jack & Company over the phone:

Jack: “Should I just come over at 10 before we go out? I want to see the dog!”
Me: “Erm. I have to clean my apartment first.”
Jack: “You are NOT cleaning your apartment on your birthday!”
Me: “Oh, yes I am!”

1L summer / humor / Thomson Reuters

Fatty

June 30, 2009

I’m driving to work when I realize that I forgot to bring my water bottle, so I decide to pull into White Castle and order a large drink, so I had something to use as a water-cup later…brilliant right?
White Castle Employee (through the drive thru speaker): “Thank you for choosing White Castle, what are you craving today?”
Me: “Uh, may I have a large diet coke?”
Employee: “Okay.”
Me: “That’s it.”
Employee: “That’s it?!”
Me: “Yes.”
Employee: “What about a slider?”
Me: “No. Just a diet coke.”
Employee: “Fries?”
Me: “No thank you. Just a diet coke.”
Employee: “You’re not craving any food?”
Me: “Nope. “
Employee: “None at all? Onion rings?”
Me: “Uh. No. I am only craving a Diet Coke today…gotta watch my youthful figure.”
Employee: “Uh?”
Me: “Nothing. JUST THE DIET COKE PLEASE.”
Employee: “Fine. Pull up.”
Me: “Thank you.”
So I pay for a Diet Coke and a nasty glare, and then drive off to work.

Although I forgot my water bottle, I did remember to bring my coffee tumbler. So I march up to the office building, cup and tumbler in hand, in my professional Express slacks, with a briefcase stuffed full of snacks (like unsalted peanuts and apples) feeling thoroughly prepared for my day. Que bring it! Si si si!

So of course the hot mess starts in the elevator…

I’m in the elevator with three people, and I sense the small Indian woman in the corner staring at me – or rather – staring at my butt. She looks confused and shocked.

She catches me giving her the “what the hell?” look and says,
Woman: “Oh, I’m sorry, it’s just that your peanuts are sticking out!”
So, of course everyone in the elevator stops and gawks at the big can of peanuts that is precariously hanging out of my briefcase.

And then they all watch me awkwardly juggle my coffee tumbler and White Castle cup so I can cram my peanuts back into my food-stuffed briefcase.¹ A flap on the briefcase comes open, revealing more food, and I get the “Fatty!” look from everyone.

And yes, they totally started snickering when I left the elevator. They couldn’t even wait for the doors to close.

Ugh.

¹ I was wearing a shoulder strap, so the briecase was on my side, hence why it looked like she was staring at my butt. Although nice thing about working at a ginormous company is that it’s unlikely that I’ll ever see those people again since they don’t work on my floor.

1L summer / Law School / on the record

Jill keeps it simple

June 25, 2009

Today in my Wills & Trusts class:
Professor W: “So this widow gets $810,000. Is that enough to raise two kids?”
Jill: “Of course!”
Professor W: “Really? They have to grow up, be fed, go to school, go to college…”
Jill: “Shop at Wal-Mart and send them to public school, they’ll be just fine.”

1L summer / humor / memories / Minneapolis-St. Paul / overheard

Heat stroke

June 22, 2009

This is my view 20 minutes before my Professional Responsibility class starts:

I am on the off-ramp of 35W¹ when this random blond lady passes my car on the grass of the off-ramp.

1L summer / legal humor / overheard

It has always been that way

June 9, 2009

Jill and I were at the convenience store near the law school. We talked about our summer classes while waiting in line at the register:
Me: “Yeah, people aren’t thrilled with my Professional Responsibility class.”
Jill: “Oh, that’s what I’ve heard! A lot of people really dislike that class. I’m glad I didn’t take it this summer. Hopefully it will be better in the fall…”
Just then the older lady who was standing in line ahead of Jill turns around and says:
Lady: “I graduated from the law school in 73. And trust me, professional has always been a bitch.”
The lady pays and then leaves.
The cashier is laughing.
Jill is shocked.

Me: “That might have been the best thing ever.”

Law School / on the record

OTR: First week of summer school

June 4, 2009

In professional responsibility, Professor R and Jack discussed what constitutes legal advice, who can give it, and when it leads to liability:
Jack: “What about jailhouse lawyers?”
Professor R: “Hm…Well they are already in jail, so what the hell?”
In Wills & Trusts we reviewed some of the Model Rules of Professional Conduct:
Professor W: “Well, these are just about as useful to a lawyer practicing in the field as a valentine would be to a surgeon who is operating in the operation room…”

1L summer / humor / Thomson Reuters

Jill prefers gummy bears.

May 29, 2009

gummy bears Photo by Matt Schwartz on Unsplash

So Jill just walked over to Jack’s cubicle at work:
Jill: “Here, I bought you a bag of gummy bears.”
Jack: “Gummy bears? Why? I’m eating carrots…”
Jill: “I know, but you should eat these gummy bears instead.”
Jack: “But I’m on a health kick.”
Jill: “Yes, and it is loud. Doc review is bad enough without the crunch and munch. Here, the gummy bears are delish, I promise.”

Photo: Matt Schwartz.

Law School / legal humor / on the record

The Best of Jill

May 14, 2009

Jill’s top 10 moments:

10. Jill vs. Professor P.

Prof P: “Let’s see this is a very hard case… Jill let’s start with you!”
Jill (loudly): “ARGH!”
Prof P: “What was that?”
Jill : “Oh nothing!”
Prof P: “I thought I heard ‘no’, because if that’s so then I could just move on…”
Jill: “Wait, is that an option!?”
Prof P: “I wouldn’t recommend it.”

9. Jill Keeps it Real

SSG Instructor: “You guys haven’t had multifactor balancing tests yet right?”
Jill: “Yeah, in legal writing last semester, but that was a disaster too…”

8. Jill’s Bloodlust

Professor R: “Is this an incentive for the suspect to run? Often the suspect is younger, doesn’t have heavy equipment, and hasn’t been to the doughnut shop as much…”
Jill: “There’s a middle ground! You don’t haveta shoot him! You can taser him, or beat him with a baton!”

7. Should Jill bring a catheter?

Jill: Are there any bathroom breaks during our six hour deliberations? I want to know whether I should pack a catheter …

6. Roach Crouton…

Professor T: “So you’re eating at Café X and you crunch into a crouton, which you find out is a roach. What do you do?”
Jill: “Sign up for Fear Factor!”
Professor T: “What’s that? I’m so disadvantaged for not watching TV…”
Jill: “Oh, it’s a show where they pay people to eat bugs.”
Professor T: “And can you get paid by Café X?”
Jill: “Sure.”
Professor T: “And why are they going to pay you?”
Jill: “Because they are scared of getting sued.”
Professor T: “And what if you just saw the roach in your salad and didn’t bite into it?”
Jill: “Well, then I bite into it and then sue.”

5. Jill is Harsh

Professor R: “I want to schedule a makeup class for April 28 at noon. Does anyone have any conflicts with this?”
Jack: “I do! I do! There is some lunch thing with potential employers on that day.”
Jill (loudly): “Don’t worry. You’re not going to get hired anyway!”

4. Sugamomma.

Professor T: “Jill, does your husband have any interest in you?”
Jill: “Besides my sugamomma status?”
Professor T: “Yes a consortium…damages.”
Jill: “But I’m irreplaceable!”
Professor T: “We all are. Well, most of us. Not all of our dogs love us…”

3. Ms. D dropped out… (a long time ago)

Professor L: “Ms. Dennel? Demmel?”
Jill: “Her name was De-mal. Sarah Demal.”
Professor L: “Yes, so Ms. Dememel? Dennel? Oh forget it! I’ll just call you Ms. D!”
(Class laughs)
Professor L: “So Ms. D…”
Jill: “Actually, I’m Jill. Jill Smith.”
Professor L: “Huh? Where’s Ms. Demmel? Is Ms. Demmel, Dannel, Dennel not here today?”
Jill: “Sarah Demal sat in front of me. She actually dropped out the first week of class…”
Professor L: “OH! That explains things! I just had a note here that she wasn’t here the last time I called on her… hm.”
Jill: “…So do you want me to answer?”
Professor L: “No. I didn’t even want to call on you! Forget it!”
(Class laughs)
Professor L: “This is literally sound and fury signifying nothing…THERE! I got a Shakespeare quote in! ”

(later)
Professor L: “Okay, let me turn to…Ms. Chang…oh, she’s not here. She didn’t drop out too right?”

2. Jill on backpacks.

Jack: “Are you looking at my rolly backpack?”
Jill: “Yes. And judging accordingly.”
Jack: “What? I got it for my birthday and I’m so excited about it.”
Jill: “That’s nice.”
Jack: “…I just got sick of carrying so much shit around. I had so many bags and I looked like a homeless person.”
Jill: “You can buy cute bags though. Note my big purse and briefcase. Or, you can try using your locker for books you don’t need.”
Jack: “And I just want my rolly backpack to be socially acceptable!”
Jill: “It never will be.”

1. How Jill Became that Girl:

Jill’s computer starts speaking during Professor L’s class: “CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’VE WON!” The entire class laughs.

Professor L: “I won’t even try to exercise discipline, because the embarrassment is enough. HOW EMBARRASSING!”

Jill: “Sorry…I had to buy these tickets…and…”

Professor L: “And apparently you’ve won something! I’m sure you’re not the only one who has done such a thing in class, you’re just the only one who has done it with the volume on!”

1L Spring Finals / 1L Spring Summaries / dogs / humor

Best Week Ever #16: yellow love and the creep

May 10, 2009

I think that thing they call spring is here.

The grass started turning green a month ago, but the trees have remained leafless – until this week. Sometime overnight all the trees decided to blossom.

It’s as if the mayor pressed some secret spring button.¹

I feel like I’m in some parallel Paula Dean Garden universe. I got so used to winter that I forgot that there are other seasons…

Harley and I spent the week exploring the extensive park system in the neighborhood. The amount of parks, lakes, and nature trails surrounding downtown is ridiculous.

I suspect I moved back to Germany and no one has told me yet, especially when I look at the Fachwerk houses in the neighborhood:

I need to stop bringing coffee on these walks. The same thing happens every time: I start the walk with a cup of coffee and when we are 4 or 5 miles from home I realize “oh shit, I need to pee.”

This is of course the point when Harley gets tired and is all, “wait, why are we rushing all of the sudden?”

He then decides that every tree, squirrel, and gardener is worth inspection.

My bladder starts crying…and disaster strikes.²

And don’t be fooled by the “Minnesota Nice” stereotype – even Minnesotans will give you filthy looks when you’re raging down the street, screaming “GOD DAMN DA COFF-FAAAY!!!” while grabbing your crotch and dragging a 100lb dog…

There have been plenty of times this week when I’ve wanted to scream upon getting home. Harley has started trashing the apartment.

I tweeted about the destruction and was directed by @Karpul to this article on the Humane Society Website. The topic? Dog Separation Anxiety. The gist? He’s destroying the apartment because he misses me and loves me.

Now before you say “awe” remember I am not seeing love when I’m cleaning up shredded novels marinating in puddles of piss.

No. That ain’t love.

And of course the article says scolding the dog will ONLY MAKE IT WORSE!

Well… crap!

You mean I come home to a destroyed, pee-soaked apartment and I can’t bitch at anyone? This is supremely unfair.

And the most ridiculous thing is that Harley didn’t start this chaos until recently. I guess that means he didn’t like me enough before…

In order to help him adjust, I decided to study at Dunn Brothers today. I left Harley a pork bone and hoped for the best. Of course he completely demolished the kitchen – broke dishes, dragged the trash everywhere, and then pissed all over the front door.

And no, he did not need to pee – we had gone on a two hour walk this morning. Minneapolis is perfumed with this dog’s pee. It was pure spite…or according to the humane society, yellow love…

One redeeming thing about Harley is his “don’t mess with me or I’ll eat you” size. He even keeps Mel away.

However, Harley’s size did fail to keep the crazy away this week – we were walking in Uptown (on Lyndale) when I saw this sketchtastic guy sitting at a bus stop across the street.

He was bald, pasty-white, emaciated, and had no eye brows ala Alexander Litvinenko (or Powder) and of course STARING RIGHT AT ME.

So I smiled politely and directed Harley down the street. Of course a few blocks later I see that powder had crossed the street and was storming down the sidewalk right behind us! I have seen waaay too many zombie movies for this to be okay. Seriously, this guy looked like the last day of chemo…or day 28…

So I took a sharp turn and literally RAN down the block as much as I could before he made it to the corner. What the hay…

The sprint worked, but I ran into the creep at another bus stop on Hennepin. He glared at me from across the street. I wondered if Harley would catch whatever that guy had if Harley decided to eat him…

In addition to running from zombies and cleaning up pee, I took my first final exam this week. The subject was Property, and it was not as horrible as everyone expected. My only grief is that there were NO future interests/estates problems! Not a single one!

All that time spent on learning the vesting categories? A waste.

The $20 I spent on the supplemental future interest book? An utter waste…especially since I barely looked at the book…

Tomorrow is my Criminal Law Final, and Friday is Corporations. Crimlaw is strangely pleasant to study…which is odd given how incredibly dull that class was…

I’ve also spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about “what kind of law I want to practice” and decided that it’s a silly question. I am not so limited in my interests that I wouldn’t be perfectly content practicing in most fields. I know that seems sacrilegious to say, but I don’t think I’m the only person who likes law enough to be happy in most fields…

Heck, I think most students at my school would be open to most areas of law. And most of us feel silly when lawyers (and parents, and friends) ask us what field we want to practice in, since the first year of law school gives us no clue of what private practice is actually like.³

There are a few former Business School kids and future public defenders who know exactly what they want to do (to the exclusion of all other opportunities) but most of us have no idea…

The real question is what type of firm will hire me? I love my school, but I’m aware of its limitations. UMN is reputable enough that nearly everyone will pass the bar, but not so prestigious that everyone will have a job upon graduation.

I have decided that the answer is not to claw my way into the top 5% since even biglaw has its problems.

The point (for me at least) isn’t to get a prestigious job just because that’s what everyone else is doing. My goal is to have a career that allows me to do challenging work and pay off my student loans before I’m 40.

…oh, and a job that allows me to afford dog training…since I’m sick of this yellow love business.

¹ I’m pretty sure it’s between the “easy” button and the Taco Bell button.
² And I can’t tie him up and run into a coffee shop or something because I always feel like a horrible dog owner doing that… plus I’m sure there’s some sort of ordinance against that.
³ I think that’s why next year’s 1Ls will be required to take a “work of the lawyer” course.

humor / Life

Pickup fail

May 6, 2009

I’m looking at furniture at Wal-Mart while wearing my work clothes¹ when this odd looking guy walks by me. He looks either mentally handicapped, high, or both…so of course he stops and talks to me.
Goon: “Hey, you work here?”
Me: “Uh…no.”
Goon: “What’s THAT then?”
Me: “Oh, my work badge from my actual job.”
Goon: “Oh, have you been to the club² across the street?”
Me: “Yeah…”
Goon: “Will I see you there tonight?”
Me thinking: NO NO NO
Me: “Uh… maybe.”
Maybe is Minnesotan for “oh hell no.”

¹ gray slacks, argyle sweater, black shoes. ² He’s referring to Townhouse, St. Paul’s oldest gay bar…conveniently located across the street from Wal-Mart.

Law School / on the record

Professor P knows…

April 28, 2009

Professor P is charitable. Other professors would have screamed “PAY ATTENTION FOOL!”
Professor P: “If you missed class on any of those days where I passed out a handout, don’t worry. I always collect the extras and give them to my secretary. You may pick up extra handouts with her.”
(Professor P answers a question from another student, then Jill raises her hand.)
Jill: “Do you have an extra handout for future interests?”
The entire class starts laughing. Jack, who sits next to Jill, is laughing so hard that he has to turn away.
Professor P (to Jill): “Uh…extra handouts are with my secretary.”
(Professor P looks at Jack, who is still laughing.)
Professor P (to Jack): “Oh believe me, I know what you’re thinking.”